So the Mets are broke. We all know this.
They took a step in the right direction by having David Einhorn become a minority owner of the team and pour 200 million dollars into the organization. And PS, I can't be the only person who thought of this when I heard that someone named Einhorn was buying into the team:
I don't care if Einhorn is a tranny who lost RuPaul's drag race, I'll take the 200 million dollars and run with it.
Anyway, we need to come up with new ideas to bring in revenue for the Mets. And I have a few ideas:
1) Expand Sponsorship
The Mets are nothing short of corporate whores. Everytime I hear pitch speed brought to me by time warner high speed internet, the Verizon call to the bullpen, the peerless boiler broadcast booth, Reyes being safe and secure at 2nd base just like New York Life, I'm brought back to this (go to 0:12):
But I say the Mets can do more shameless whoring! The problem is they're refusing to sponsor all the idiotic stuff that happens during games. Mets fans aren't idiots, we know they do stupid things. If we can generate some income from this that can be used for things like, ya know, keeping Jose Reyes, why not do it?? Here are some ideas:
"Ball hit sharply to 1st and it's BOOTED BY MURPHY! Remember when you need the highest quality boots, you should purchase Timberland boots!"
"It's a 3-2 game in the bottom of the 8th with 2 out and 2 on, Terry Collins is coming to the mound, it looks like K-Rod is coming in for a 4 out save. Normally this call to the bullpen would be brought to you by Verizon, but since it's for K-Rod this call is brought to you by Pepto Bismol, because when he's pitching you f*cking need it."
"And the 1-1 delivery GETS PAST THOLE for his 3rd passed ball of the game. He seems to not know where the ball is. Do you ever have a hard time finding things? Pick up a brand new Garmin GPS to help you find your way."
"And the Mets leave 2 runners on in scoring position, once again failing to get the job done. Think you can get the job done? Then joined linkedin to see what employment opportunities are awaiting you!
2) Mets Bobbleheads
Now you might be thinking, but they already have bobbleheads. Well not like these.
The Jason Bay Bobblehead:
This Bobblehead comes with a chain fence like the one at Dodger Stadium. When you activate the bobblehead, Bay goes flying into the chain fence, and as a result of his concussion can't balance himself for 6 months.
(***chain fence sold separately***)
The David Wright Bobblehead:
This bobblehead becomes less and less effective the more you use it until you realize the piece of metal holding it up is actually cracked right where his back is.
The Angel Pagan Bobblehead:
This bobblehead has his obliques, instead of his head, bobble back and forth.
The Duaner Sanchez Bobblehead:
This bobblehead comes with a taxi cab, and as soon as you activate the head the taxi crashes into the nearest wall, causing the mets to lose the 2006 NLCS
(***taxi cab sold separately***)
The Ike Davis Bobblehead:
This bobblehead just shakes, and then falls down and doesn't stand on its own for 3 months.
The saddest part of all this is that I could keep going on.
3) Mets Board Games
Mets Monopoly
Now they actually already have this:
But they need to add a few twists. After a while players should just start losing properties and hotels, and every once in a while the chance cards should read:
"You are going to partner up with Bernie Madoff. Receive $1000 every turn for the next 10 turns, and then owe $100,000 immediately."
Mets Memory
You know, you shuffle the cards and put them all faced down, and try to make matches. My twist is you can leave them with the worst Mets messes ever. Some personal favorites include:
- Kenny Rodgers walking in the winning run of the 1999 NLCS
- Aaron Heilman losing the 2006 NLCS
- Beltrain's strike 3 of the 2006 NLCS
- Castillo's dropped pop-up in the 2010 subway series
- Art Howe getting hired
- Willie Randolph getting hired
- Jerry Manuel getting hired
- Kirk Gibson's NLCS 1988 game 1 home run
And again, the sad part is I could go on.
Mets Mousetrap
Put everything together using pieces of scrap left over from Shea Stadium, baseball bats, and at the end instead of a mouse you get to trap Omar Minaya. And by trap I mean he gets the ever living shit kicked out of him.
These are just a few ideas. But in the meantime, the Mets are very close to .500 ball. Let's go Mets!!
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