This is an appropriate post fresh off of a rant on embarrassing number 1 picks.
Here's the thing about Mike Pelfrey. If he were a kid I knew growing up (he's only 1 month older than I am), I think I'd love the guy. You see him and you want to invent a Jose Reyes style handshake specifically to share with him. You want to grab a beer with him, talk baseball with him, share a goofy laugh about something insanely geeky with him. Honestly, look at him and tell me he didn't reenact the ending of Star Wars where they march down and get their medals.
He probably has his Chewy outfit somewhere in his parents' attic.
The irony is, everything I just mentioned is what's wrong with Mike Pelfrey. He's 6'7" and 250 lbs. He can dial it up to 95 mph. He sits on a 10" mound and his out pitches are a splitter and a sinker. I want to be terrified of Mike Pelfrey. I want children to see him and shake. I want scientists to look at him and go "Jesus Christ how did Paul Bunyon have sex, get someone pregnant, and not kill the woman? He must have just donated his sperm to a fertility clinic." I want women to walk down the street, see him, and have one of two things happen:
a) They desperately grab their boyfriend's/husband's hand because they're terrified he's going to take their purse.
or
b) They check him out because they know he's obviously a huge heaping pile of shit, therefore attractive because "he can be changed."
Either way, there's no fear. You see him and he's this giant goofball that struggled with a mouthguard like a 12 year old adjusting to braces. He's endured ridiculous balks and the yips, and if I had a nickel for every time Wright had to go up to the mound, smack him on the ass, and tell him to man up and pitch I could retire.
I don't know he managed to do it. He's a huge man who could crush typical men like me with his non-throwing pinky, but you don't feel an inch of intimidation in his presence. It's like some ridiculous optical illusion where you don't even realize what you're looking at. It makes me wonder if M. Night Shyamalan was his life coach. If you are his size how the hell do you not scare the shit out of your opposition? I mean honestly when I was 23 and drunk off my ass at 5'9" I told an enormous bouncer to go f*ck himself, which was one of a humiliatingly long list of mistakes that night. But as remarkably idiotic as it was, at least I had some fight in me! He throws hard, his pitches have movement, he's got everything you need to be great! I just wish he would knock Ryan Howard on his ass, or get a tattoo that would make a nun blush, Jesus punch a kitten in the mouth I don't care but let's put these hitters on notice Pelf!
And holy irony batman, Randy Wolf, who is pitching against Mike Pelfrey tonight, just committed the first balk of his major league career, dating back to 1999.
You just have to love this game.
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