Fran-Shits-Co Rodriguez

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So everyone knows that when the Mets trade for a big star, it usually implodes.  For example:

I would go on, but I lived through all this shit the first time.  Another unnecessary walk down memory lane and I might hop into traffic on purpose.

Anyway, you may or may not have read my thoughts on Jason Bay, the latest signed star to sink the Mets' dreams faster than Bin Laden went to the bottom of the ocean floor.  While my rage is surprisingly subdued towards Bay (although the longer this keeps up the less my monk-like ways persist), one fact is unequivocally clear about K-Rod.

I f*cking hate K-Rod.

Eloquent?  Not even close.  Clever?  Nope.  Do you get the idea?  Then the prosecution rests.

How did he go from this?

To this??

First off, I can't even call him K-Rod.  If you're going to be called K-Rod, shouldn't you actually strike some people out?  It's like nicknaming Hitler Ezekiel.  So let's scrap this.  Sometimes they'll call him "Frankie" on TV or the Radio, but that doesn't work for me either.  Frankie seems like a nice guy, someone you hang out with, possibly someone that fixes your car.  Look at that dipshit for 3 seconds and you'll understand that none of the above applies, so that's out too.

So while I was watching Oakland inexplicably whip the Mets like a red-headed stepchild (and yes, Turner went 2-13 in that series), I became inspired.  Coco-Crisp seemed to get a hit at every at-bat, and in my misery came my revelation.

We should call him Special K!

The more I thought about it though, two things came to mind:

1) There are children born with special needs that didn't do anything wrong, and shouldn't be ostracized for whatever modifications need to be made for them.  Rodriguez is just an asshole.  Totally different. 

2) Special K is also a drug, and since the greatest Mets teams of the past 25 years consisted of rosters most of which were addicted to said drugs, I wouldn't want to link Rodriguez to those teams in any way possible, regardless of how remote.

Then out of curosity I looked up just what Special K does:

Some people describe a speedy rush within a few minutes of sniffing the powder (20 minutes if taken as a pill, quicker if injected), leading to powerful hallucinations and even out of body experiences (the 'K Hole'), along with physical incapacitation.

Ha!  K-Hole!  Tremendous.

Now to be fair, he's only blown 2 saves through the first half of the year, which is far from terrible.  Even looking past his lackluster ERA is doable.  What drives me absolutely bat-shit crazy is how without any runners on, or when the game isn't on the line at that specific moment, he's AWFUL.  What the hell does it matter?  12 million dollars a year and you need a thrill just to do your job?

It reminds me of someone who can't get sexually aroused unless there is some kind of role playing involved.  I swear to God when K-Hole looks to have sex at his home he probably has a closet filled with different costumes.  It wouldn't surprise me if he owns a Mr. Met costume used specifically to rail strippers.

Actually, this makes sense.  He attacked his ex-girlfriend's father not out of rage, but it because of some elaborate plot to "rescue her" from her "evil father."  He just got arrested before he could get to the fun part.

Look at the people contributing to this team.  You have Justin Turner who makes Carrot Top look marginally attractive.  You have Ruben Tejada who is so young he could be modeling for Pampers.  You have Daniel Murphy who is as inept at defensive play as Manny Ramirez is at passing drug tests, but he still busts his ass.  These people are fighting and clawing for every success they earn.  Yet K-Hole, a seasoned veteran with a World Series ring, a leader in the clubhouse making 12 million a year needs the situation to be "just right" until he starts doing his f*cking job?  What a joke.

I hope he gets traded.  Put Parnell and his 100 mph fastball out there and let him learn how to close.  This team is watchable because they fight and they work hard.  Everyone in America wrote them off in April and they're going out there every day saying "why not us?"  K-Hole doesn't fit that mentality, doesn't blend with this pitching staff, and I for one will be thrilled when the douche bag leaves.

But in the mean time, ya know, let's hope he pitches well.