To Whom It May Concern:
Prior to tonight I couldn't help but notice you guys had come out of nowhere to win 8 straight games. All of the sudden you're a national story with people questioning whether or not your team is legitimate, wondering if you're a threat for the post season.
Now listen, I can understand that you're a team in flux, looking for an identity. Well my New York Mets have also been making a push toward relevancy. In fact, despite today's awful performance we have had great starting pitching and a scrappy line-up that usually finds a way to contend every single night. It seems as if you're trying to contend like my Mets do. So please heed my advice:
Back The F*ck Off.
Listen boys, you dipshits road your abysmal style of play into quite possibly the two greatest draft picks of the past 50 years. You have young talent and in a year or two are going to be legit contenders. So before you try to be all inspirational and capture some magic like the Mets have in their career, let's get a few things straight.
1) You're Not the Washington Nationals. You're the f*cking Montreal Expos.
Going from the Montreal Expos to the Washington Nationals is like Mariah Carey thinking she could act in Glitter. You can't go from a Canadian team of adorable catastrophes to calling yourselves the Nationals of the actual National past time! You know why?
Because you're CANADIAN.
This is what Canadians do at sporting events (apparently):
Can someone drop this schmuck off in Camden, New Jersey for 45 minutes and let him try to start a riot there?
It makes no sense. The only thing that makes even less sense is the logo on your hats:
...How is this for Montreal?? How is this for baseball? How is this...anything??? It's supposed to mean "Montreal Expos Baseball", with the entire outline being an "M", and the "e" and "b" being on the left and right respectively. Jesus did Helen Keller design this all by herself? Christ, this is what logos are supposed to look like:
Every single one of those logos clearly identify the team. Way to finally get it right Washington Nationals. Ya know, by 2005.
2) Since you're really the Expos, embrace that history. Not mine.
You're the Expos! Come on, your history doesn't mean that you stage great comebacks, your history is all about having more wasted talent than Len Bias! (too soon?) And then when you were close to winning it all (1994), that damn American greed took you over!
Seriously, when you went to Shea Stadium, the signs looked like this:
They didn't say "Vous devez croire" you french douche bags.
3) The future is very bright for you, so just calm the f*ck down.
You've got an 18 year old beast who thinks he's the ultimate warrior:
And you've got the nastiest pitching prospect I've ever seen in Stephen Strasburg. The last time I saw an arm that vicious involved me watching vintage footage of Doc Gooden. But Washington, I swear to God, if you give him a ton of cocaine just to be like us, I'm going to flip a shit.
So while my Mets approach mediocrity and make it appear as if they're competing for the world series, please do me a favor:
Back the f*ck off you fake Canadian pansies.
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