The Mets Rant Guide to Dealing with Yankee Fans

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So the Mets are playing the Yankees this weekend.  Let me start this with a disclaimer.

For the record, I married a Yankee fan.  Her entire family is composed of die hard Yankee fans.  To make matters worse, my sister-in-law's fianceé is a die hard Phillies fan.

It's been a rough couple of years in my sports world.

Regardless, they're all wonderful people.  Recently Mike (the Phillies fan) and I went to Citizen's Bank Park to see a Mets/Phils game and it was a great time, despite Jon Niese's pitch selection being worse than Charlie Sheen's career choices.  I love talking baseball with my father-in-law & brother-in-law because despite their tragic judgement in baseball teams, they understand the game.  The jawing back and forth is all in fun, and that's where it ends.

Bill Simmons brilliantly dubbed the term "Sports Hate."  I "Sports Hate" the Yankees.  I couldn't give two shits about any of them in real life.  Literally, if I was right next to A-Rod, had already dropped a deuce and he asked me for a second one, I flat out couldn't do it.  My colon doesn't work that way.

So this isn't a guide to deal with Yankee fans who are actually your friends.  This is a guide for the f*cking dipshits that you meet in public, find out you're a Mets fan, and then act like complete assholes.  Ya know people like this:

or this:

....or this:

Or people that do things like this:

or this:

Or this:

And this:

So this is for every dipshit who harasses you and needs a f*cking history lesson.  

Let's begin.

I imagine a "conversation" with said douche bag would go something like this:

"We have 27 World Series Championships, how many do you have???"

Let's discuss, shall we?

First of all, the Mets came into existence in 1962.  Let me say this again.  The Mets came into existence in Nineteen Sixty-F*cking Two.  I understand that part of the Yankee allure is their history, but if you're going to compare franchises at least compare them while they were both, you know, playing.  

To put it another way, Bryce Harper might turn out to be one of the greatest baseball players in history.  None of us know for sure because he hasn't played yet.  So you can't compare him to ANYONE, because he HASN'T PLAYED YET.  At the moment I have the same amount of major league hits, rbis, and home runs as Bryce Harper.  And if you know what I look like, you'll understand my point very clearly. Seriously the Pillsbury Dough Boy was modeled after my body type.

So let's look at the titles that they won while the Mets existed.  They are:

1962, 1977, 1978, 1996, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2009

And as far as I'm concerned, 1962 is not even remotely fair to compare a team with 60 years of experience with an expansion club, but whatever.

Fun Fact! Yankee Fans Tend to Forget - The Yankees were AWFUL in the mid-late 60s and most of the 70s (and the 80s, but we'll get there)

The Mets RULED New York in the late 60s and early 70s.  Tom Terrific and Tug McGraw's "Ya Gotta Believe" had everyone jumping on the Mets bandwagon.  So if anyone tells you that the Yankees have always been dominant in New York, just remind them of this and then throw something at them.  Preferably sharp.

Well we stil have 8 to your 2!  The Yankees run their organization way better than the Mets!

Ahh yes, the "we run the perfect organization comment."  Well, let's take a look.

Now the Mets have had more than their fair share of embarrassing managerial decisions.  It is literally indefensible.  Any Met fan who tries to justify Tony Bernazard, Omar Minaya, or any other gems of our history is an idiot.  My only point is that the Yankees have had plenty too.  The reason that the Yankees have gotten away with it is because the Yankees can literally afford to make these mistakes.

Steinbrenner bought the Yankees for 10 million dollars, one of the greatest purchases in the history of business.  No one with any sense will debate this.  But for the love of God can we please not confuse great baseball sense with great business sense.  This guy made it to Vegas on America's Got Talent:

Doesn't mean I want him running the day-to-day operations.

He used his money to make a splash immediately, signing free agents like Catfish Hunter and Reggie Jackson (who he treated like complete garbage), and they won two titles in 1977 and 1978.  They won because of free agency and his money, not because of how he ran the organization.

But they must of had a good manager, right?
Yes, Billy Martin an excellent manager.  So good he was the manager of the Yankees five times.  Because Steinbrenner kept firing him.

But don't worry, that wasn't the only manager that Steinbrenner fired.  Let's look at their management from 1974-1995 (pre Torre):

This is INSANE!!  If you have a shitty team it takes some time to rebuild!  Jesus, if he had been just a little patient maybe there wouldn't have been a World Series drought from 1978-1996.  I swear to God while his kids were being born he probably sat there yelling at his wife's uterus going "HURRY!  HURRY UP!  YOU'RE FIRED!"

Well, we had the dynasty in the 90s!


Yes, yes you did.  If you ask Ken Burns, he'll tell you it's because of when Steinbrenner was thrown out of baseball.

Not when he was suspended from baseball for 2 years for making illegal campaign contributions to Nixon's campaign.

No no no, I mean literally thrown out of baseball for when he did this to Dave Winfield:

On July 30, 1990, Steinbrenner was banned permanently from day-to-day management (but not ownership) of the Yankees by MLB Commissioner Fay Vincent for paying a gambler named Howie Spira $40,000 to dig up "dirt" on Winfield. Winfield had sued the Yankees for failing to contribute $300,000 to his foundation, a guaranteed stipulation in his contract.

So yes, the Wilpon mess is embarrassing, but there is at least some reasonable doubt as to whether or not Fred and Jeff knew they were in a Ponzi scheme.  But these are the same Wilpons who are extremely philanthropic and started welcomebackvets.org.  Even if the Wilpons did know about the scheme, Steinbrenner supporters are in no place to cast the first stone.  Regardless of how much they paid for it.

So between his suspension and eventual reinstatement in 1993, the Yankees were able to hold to to a few prospects.  People like Jeter, Rivera, Williams, Pettitte, and Posada.  Removing Steinbrenner's idiocy but keeping his checkbook on the team is what led to the dynasty, not Steinbrenner himself.

But how can you say the Yankees' buy all their players when they have so much home grown talent?


Because they can afford to KEEP their talent, you dipshit!  You think that if Jeter or any of the other players I just mentioned started their career with the Kansas City Royals they'd still be there?  If you do, you're as dumb as... you know what? There's no metaphor.  You're just that f*cking stupid.

So once the dynasty was over and Steinbrenner was back in charge, let's look at the money he spent on non-World Series winning seasons:
2001 - $109,791,893
2002 - $125,928,583
2003 - $180,322,403
2004 - $182,835,513
2005 - $201,689,030
2006 - $194,663,079
2007 - $189,639,045
2008 - $209,081,579
Total = $1,393,951,125
***Averaging anywhere between 50 and 90 million dollars more than #2 highest payroll in baseball.***

Including awful contracts like:

Irabu - 12.8 millon dollars

Kei Igawa - 5 years, 46 Million (highest paid minor league pitcher in history)

Or how about the failed signings of:
Kevin Brown
Randy Johnson
Javier Vasquez
Jaret Wright
Sidney Ponson
Carl Pavano***
Ian Kennedy***

*** Have found success elsewhere, just couldn't find it with the Yankees.


How about when Pettitte was not re-signed because they didn't think they needed him, turns out they did need him, and then finally re-signed him in 2007?

How about when Chien-Ming Wang's career ended because he couldn't run around the f*cking bases in an inter-league game?  Steinbrenner's response?  National League's rules are stupid.


How about the current disasters of these guys?

(in this case, maybe Dennis Haysbert is available?)

So after wasting all of this money on PITCHING ALONE, they had to spend another 400 million dollars on Tex, AJ, & CC just to get over the hump in 2009.

Conclusion
Listen, the Yankees put out a competitive team every year.  But Jesus when they spend as much as they do they had BETTER compete.  They use their money to manipulate the lack of a salary cap to stay relevant every year.  And that's fine, it's not illegal, they're in New York and they can pull it off, so why not?

It would just be wonderful if all these pretentious douche bags with a sense of entitlement that only comes with mommy and daddy shoving their silver spoon so far up their asses that their large intestine is suffering from a heavy metal toxicity would leave me alone.  If you're a Yankee fan, fine.  If you want to talk baseball, I would love to.  But if you're a dumb prick who had a shitty day because, well, you're a dumb prick, and you're looking for a pick-me-up because I'm Mets fan?  Go f*ck yourself.

But you can't have the discussion with those people.  It's like trying to have a serious conversation with this guy:

So stay strong Mets fans!  Our team is exciting to watch, doing well, and I believe will take 2 out of 3 this weekend.  So Let's Go Mets!!!

Fran-Shits-Co Rodriguez

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So everyone knows that when the Mets trade for a big star, it usually implodes.  For example:

I would go on, but I lived through all this shit the first time.  Another unnecessary walk down memory lane and I might hop into traffic on purpose.

Anyway, you may or may not have read my thoughts on Jason Bay, the latest signed star to sink the Mets' dreams faster than Bin Laden went to the bottom of the ocean floor.  While my rage is surprisingly subdued towards Bay (although the longer this keeps up the less my monk-like ways persist), one fact is unequivocally clear about K-Rod.

I f*cking hate K-Rod.

Eloquent?  Not even close.  Clever?  Nope.  Do you get the idea?  Then the prosecution rests.

How did he go from this?

To this??

First off, I can't even call him K-Rod.  If you're going to be called K-Rod, shouldn't you actually strike some people out?  It's like nicknaming Hitler Ezekiel.  So let's scrap this.  Sometimes they'll call him "Frankie" on TV or the Radio, but that doesn't work for me either.  Frankie seems like a nice guy, someone you hang out with, possibly someone that fixes your car.  Look at that dipshit for 3 seconds and you'll understand that none of the above applies, so that's out too.

So while I was watching Oakland inexplicably whip the Mets like a red-headed stepchild (and yes, Turner went 2-13 in that series), I became inspired.  Coco-Crisp seemed to get a hit at every at-bat, and in my misery came my revelation.

We should call him Special K!

The more I thought about it though, two things came to mind:

1) There are children born with special needs that didn't do anything wrong, and shouldn't be ostracized for whatever modifications need to be made for them.  Rodriguez is just an asshole.  Totally different. 

2) Special K is also a drug, and since the greatest Mets teams of the past 25 years consisted of rosters most of which were addicted to said drugs, I wouldn't want to link Rodriguez to those teams in any way possible, regardless of how remote.

Then out of curosity I looked up just what Special K does:

Some people describe a speedy rush within a few minutes of sniffing the powder (20 minutes if taken as a pill, quicker if injected), leading to powerful hallucinations and even out of body experiences (the 'K Hole'), along with physical incapacitation.

Ha!  K-Hole!  Tremendous.

Now to be fair, he's only blown 2 saves through the first half of the year, which is far from terrible.  Even looking past his lackluster ERA is doable.  What drives me absolutely bat-shit crazy is how without any runners on, or when the game isn't on the line at that specific moment, he's AWFUL.  What the hell does it matter?  12 million dollars a year and you need a thrill just to do your job?

It reminds me of someone who can't get sexually aroused unless there is some kind of role playing involved.  I swear to God when K-Hole looks to have sex at his home he probably has a closet filled with different costumes.  It wouldn't surprise me if he owns a Mr. Met costume used specifically to rail strippers.

Actually, this makes sense.  He attacked his ex-girlfriend's father not out of rage, but it because of some elaborate plot to "rescue her" from her "evil father."  He just got arrested before he could get to the fun part.

Look at the people contributing to this team.  You have Justin Turner who makes Carrot Top look marginally attractive.  You have Ruben Tejada who is so young he could be modeling for Pampers.  You have Daniel Murphy who is as inept at defensive play as Manny Ramirez is at passing drug tests, but he still busts his ass.  These people are fighting and clawing for every success they earn.  Yet K-Hole, a seasoned veteran with a World Series ring, a leader in the clubhouse making 12 million a year needs the situation to be "just right" until he starts doing his f*cking job?  What a joke.

I hope he gets traded.  Put Parnell and his 100 mph fastball out there and let him learn how to close.  This team is watchable because they fight and they work hard.  Everyone in America wrote them off in April and they're going out there every day saying "why not us?"  K-Hole doesn't fit that mentality, doesn't blend with this pitching staff, and I for one will be thrilled when the douche bag leaves.

But in the mean time, ya know, let's hope he pitches well.

Reyes Vs. Tulo

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So with the All Star Game voting deadline 11 days away, Jose Reyes actually isn't the leading vote getter for shortstop.  Currently he's trailing Troy Tulowitzki, so let's look at the statistics:

This doesn't even consider the stolen bases or defense that Reyes brings to the table.  Skeptics might argue that Tulo's power numbers would supersede what Reyes has done, but Jesus look at Reyes' slugging percentage.  It's higher than Tulo's!  Hell Reyes' batting average is practically the same as Tulo's on base percentage.

Seriously, I find this appalling and ludicrous.  So this got me thinking about other things that have been absolutely ridiculous this year.

1) The Giants complaining that Buster Posey's injury was a dirty play.


If you aren't familiar with the play, Poser broke his leg on this collision:

Posey is out for the year.

So I was talking with my brother, and his take on it was exceptionally astute.



Remember this guy?

More specifically, remember this guy?

Listen, steroids were everywhere in baseball.  I still dread the day that some report breaks out and we all find out that Mike Piazza juiced.  So to only call out the Giants for harboring a steroid user is ridiculous.

But he is (debatably) the home run king, and he overtook a legend to do it.  Everyone in America who cared about baseball had to watch the most awkward celebration that I can possibly think of.  Bud Selig didn't want to be there.  Hank Aaron wasn't there.  Everyone knew it was bullshit, but we all had to carry on this facade that it was irrefutably Bonds' record.

Here's my analogy.  Imagine a crazy mom.  Like Tyson crazy.  Imagine she hires a clown for her kid's birthday party.  Then imagine that just when junior is about to blow out the candles, the mom jumps the clown and rails the shit out of him in front of all the kids.  And I mean starts doing all kinds of crazy stuff to him while all these children watch.  That has to be so ridiculously awkward.  That's what it was like for me to watch Bonds break the record.

So ridiculous rant aside, if you harbored the most notorious cheater in baseball (apologies to the Reds and Pete Rose), you simply forfeit your right to bitch about what everyone has essentially said was a clean play.

2) The fact that John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman are still employed.


It's just ridiculous.  It's RIDICULOUS.  With a lot of these rants I have to sit and think of analogies and jokes to be funny.  All I need to do to prove this point, is ask you to please  click here. Seriously, you need to click here.

It's not even that John Sterling has the cheesiest, most awful home run calls in the history of public radio.  It's that he's BAD AT CALLING THE GAMES.  He confuses base hits with foul balls, confuses home runs with pop outs.  He loses focus, he tells ridiculous stories, he's just bad at calling games.

And Suzyn Waldman, well, she actually does understand baseball.  It's actually ridiculous that Sterling doesn't allow her to call any of the play by play, especially seeing as how much time she spends correcting Sterling's mistakes.  It's just that her voice sounds like Marlee Matlin trying to sing an aria.  And ironically, Waldman is a classically trained opera singer.

No, seriously.

I know it's like thinking that Edward Scissorhands once gave manicures, but it's true.

If you have the time, listen to Jay Mohr talk about those two (and Joe Buck.)  It's hilarious, and it's true.

3) The Marlins hire Jack McKeon

Holy shit when did Omar Minaya become the GM of the Marlins???

Let me put it this way.  A few weeks ago my grandfather passed away in his sleep at the age of 90.  He spent many years as a steamfitter at Clarkson College in New York.  I swear to God the man could figure out any machine or device in front of him.  He built his own house in upstate New York, was in my eyes a master sailor, I mean there was nothing he couldn't work on.

As he got older, I wouldn't necessarily want him to be doing those things anymore, for no other reason other than the man was aging.  It happens.

How the hell is an 80 year old man going to get Hanley Ramirez on track?  How is he going to help a Josh Johnson-less pitching staff?

I don't want Tom Seaver in my starting rotation, I don't want Darryl Strawberry in the outfield, hell it looks like even Pedro Feliciano is done, and it's because of their age!  I understand that managing requires significantly less athleticism, but come ON.  If this turns the Marlins around I will gladly eat my words, but I just do not see how hiring an 80 year old man to come clean up that mess is the right move to make.

Well folks, remember, Vote for Reyes!

And if you liked this post, please click the like button below.

Let's go Mets!

An Open Letter to the Washington Nationals

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To Whom It May Concern:

Prior to tonight I couldn't help but notice you guys had come out of nowhere to win 8 straight games.  All of the sudden you're a national story with people questioning whether or not your team is legitimate, wondering if you're a threat for the post season.

Now listen, I can understand that you're a team in flux, looking for an identity.  Well my New York Mets have also been making a push toward relevancy. In fact, despite today's awful performance we have had great starting pitching and a scrappy line-up that usually finds a way to contend every single night.  It seems as if you're trying to contend like my Mets do.  So please heed my advice:

Back The F*ck Off.

Listen boys, you dipshits road your abysmal style of play into quite possibly the two greatest draft picks of the past 50 years.  You have young talent and in a year or two are going to be legit contenders.  So before you try to be all inspirational and capture some magic like the Mets have in their career, let's get a few things straight.

1) You're Not the Washington Nationals.  You're the f*cking Montreal Expos.


Going from the Montreal Expos to the Washington Nationals is like Mariah Carey thinking she could act in Glitter.  You can't go from a Canadian team of adorable catastrophes to calling yourselves the Nationals of the actual National past time!  You know why?

Because you're CANADIAN.

This is what Canadians do at sporting events (apparently):

Can someone drop this schmuck off in Camden, New Jersey for 45 minutes and let him try to start a riot there?

It makes no sense.  The only thing that makes even less sense is the logo on your hats:

...How is this for Montreal??  How is this for baseball?  How is this...anything???  It's supposed to mean "Montreal Expos Baseball", with the entire outline being an "M", and the "e" and "b" being on the left and right respectively.  Jesus did Helen Keller design this all by herself?  Christ, this is what logos are supposed to look like:

Every single one of those logos clearly identify the team.  Way to finally get it right Washington Nationals.  Ya know, by 2005.

2) Since you're really the Expos, embrace that history.  Not mine.

You're the Expos!  Come on, your history doesn't mean that you stage great comebacks, your history is all about having more wasted talent than Len Bias! (too soon?) And then when you were close to winning it all (1994), that damn American greed took you over!

Seriously, when you went to Shea Stadium, the signs looked like this:

They didn't say "Vous devez croire" you french douche bags.


3) The future is very bright for you, so just calm the f*ck down.


You've got an 18 year old beast who thinks he's the ultimate warrior:

And you've got the nastiest pitching prospect I've ever seen in Stephen Strasburg.  The last time I saw an arm that vicious involved me watching vintage footage of Doc Gooden.  But Washington, I swear to God, if you give him a ton of cocaine just to be like us, I'm going to flip a shit.

So while my Mets approach mediocrity and make it appear as if they're competing for the world series, please do me a favor:

Back the f*ck off you fake Canadian pansies.

REALLY?

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Just when the Mets are gaining momentum, they remind us all that they are, without a shadow of a doubt, the New York f*cking Mets.

First, let's discuss R.A. "Danny Concannon" Dickey (for those of you that watched the West Wing):

Seriously, they could be twins.  You might remember him from Little Big League?

Anyway, Dickey had pitched beautifully in his past few outings despite hobbling around on the field like Oksana Baiul trying to pass a sobriety test.  You'd never know it from his record though, because the Mets caught Johan Santana fever, and by Johan Santana fever I mean they didn't do anything in terms of run support for the man.

In addition to not getting any run support, last night home plate umpire James Hoye seemed to not understand what a knuckleball does.  Did anyone watch that first inning?  I counted at least 4 balls that were strikes but the umpire seemed confused about the difference between where it crossed the plate and where it was caught.

Listen, lots of things confuse me.  How Philadelphia is still a city.  Any kind of life science baffles my mind.  How a slinky always makes it down the stairs without any batteries.  But I'm not educated in any of those fields.  If you're an UMPIRE, learn to know WHERE THE STRIKE ZONE IS.

So Dickey got shelled last night, ironically when his foot was feeling much better.  Well if he pitches better when his foot hurts, can someone call Tonya Harding with an employment opportunity?

Anyway, the Mets did something they hadn't done.  They responded and let him off the hook.  Scott Hairston of all people contributed off the bench like he was a rejuvenated Matt Franco.

And then fresh off my rant of Dan Uggla, I was practically doing cartwheels after a) his throwing error gave the Mets an insurance run, and b) he choked worse than Stephen Hawking trying to swallow a well-done steak with runners in scoring position.

And then fairly predictably, K-Rod blew the save.

But you know what?  He had saved 19 in a row prior.  He had worked 2 straight games previously, and sometimes that's just the way that it goes.  I was even mentally prepared for the Mets to lose.  A 6-4 road trip, taking 2 out of 3 from at Atlanta, and 4.5 games out of the wild card with just under 100 games to play is not the worst place in the world to be.

I was even prepared because I knew the bullpen was exhausted.  The rain delay the night before, and Dickey getting shelled early put a big tax on them.  I was ready for fatigue to be the reason for they lost.  A hanging slider, a weak fastball, something like that.

BUT HOW DO YOU LOSE TO THE ATLANTA BRAVES ON A F*CKING BALK??????

Are you KIDDING ME????  When was Kenny Rodgers hired as the consultant on how to close out games?  Better yet, when did Mike Pelfrey become the f*cking pitching coach???  I swear to God Michael J. Fox can keep still better on the mound than this pitching staff.

Well boys, let's not go down this path again.  We've got business to take care off with an underrated Angels team and a pitcher who has owned us in Joel Pinero.  You're back home now, let's get it done.

Dan Uggla

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I would like to warn you that the photo I'm about to show you is likely to disturb you.  It definitely goes under "things you can't unsee."

In case the folks at blogger used some common sense and censored this picture, it's a picture of Dan Uggla.

I hate Dan Uggla.  I f*cking hate Dan Uggla.  I really, REALLY, f*cking hate Dan Uggla.

I mean just look at him.  Seriously look at this picture.

Doesn't that just ruin your day?  Here, let's' mix it up.  Watch this video:

Adorable right?  Feeling good?  Feeling like you want to call Mom and Dad and tell them you love them?  Well then look at this:

BAM.  YOU ARE NOW PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD AND READY TO GO FIND THE CIVIC THAT CUT YOU OFF THIS MORNING AND CUT A BITCH'S TIRES.


He just has that effect on you when you look at him.  The 1 million strike outs, the just awful defensive plays, it's like if David Wright and Daniel Murphy took the Jekyll and Hyde drug, had their shittiest traits merge into one, Dan Uggla would arise.  Also give this hybrid of disaster some Pug DNA.  Jesus Christ I hate Dan Uggla.

And normally I'd be thrilled to watch him tank.  After all, playing most of his career with Florida the Mets faced him a lot.  But it seems that despite being what I can only assume is a raging moron and tragically inconsistent in the field, he would always find a way to make the Mets pay.

And then there was the time where his awful play hurt the entire National League in 2008:







(you can start at 1:08 if you're pressed for time)

So when Uggla went to Atlanta, it was appropriate.  Of course I hate the Braves.  Years of abuse in the 90s, so sick and tired of getting owned by Greg Maddux who looks like he should be filing my taxes instead of kicking the shit out of my favorite baseball team.  Every time the Mets would lose to the Braves I just wanted to burn an effigy of Robert E. Lee to feel like even though the Braves had won that battle, I still already won the war.  So naturally, it was perfectly fitting that Uggla would play in Atlanta.

And as I've watched Murphy, Tejada, and Turner all blossom and flourish in the infield, I was thrilled that Uggla was batting under .200.  First off, as I may have mentioned, I hate Uggla.  But to know that his inadequate performance was hurting the Atlanta Braves?  Poetry in motion.

And of COURSE he hits a home run last night.

All the crap Atlanta has done to the Mets this year alone is absurd.  Scheduling the double header after the Mets had just played one, the unquestionably wet field yesterday for Reyes who was leading off, and 20 minutes ago Hudson just threw a ball at Reyes' kneecaps  (if you weren't watching, don't worry, he got out of the way.  He's like a ninja.)  And the Mets, for the first time in a long time, have been taking care of business by winning 4 out of 7 games against Atlanta and are currently up 3-0 with Dillion Gee doing his best Cy Young impersonation.

I just wish Uggla hadn't hit a home run against them last night.  Oh well, at least I can smile at the fact that Jason Bay is batting 40 points higher than him.

Jeter's 3000th

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Now there's nothing I can't stand more than when people bring up other teams without any context whatsoever (See: Jimmy Rollins 2008 victory speech.)  This is METS Rant, not Yankees or Phillies Rant (although when the teams play each other I have some literary gems in store), but circumstances have made Jeter relevant in this blog.

Now I hate the Yankees.  I do.  I loathe them.  In 2 weeks, I'll put up my rationale for my disgust toward them.  However, as unpopular as this is with my Mets fans friends, I am a big Derek Jeter fan.  Here's my reasoning.

I was born in 1984, and because of my brother began watching the Mets at a fairly young age.  I have distinct memories of going to Shea Stadium in the early 90s and sitting up in the nosebleed section, hating the Pirates because of how good they were (my how things have changed).  Despite these memories, I definitely didn't understand baseball that well, I was more or less just trying to fit in with my brother.

In 1994 when the strike hit, I didn't understand why the players were striking, but I understood the overwhelming statements from the media.  Well, one statement really.  GREED.  I bought in that the players were greedy, and when baseball picked up again in 1995, I wasn't alone.  Attendance was way down, and I can even remember my father telling me he knew people that refused to acknowledge it as "baseball", but rather as "sport X."

Ken Burns likes to credit Cal Ripkin and his breaking of Gehrig's streak as the signature moment that baseball truly returned, but for me it was the home run race of 1998.  I was absolutely drawn in to McGwire and Sosa going back and forth.  I will never forget sitting on the floor in my bedroom, watching fox on a TV so old that it had the old school dial 2-13, with an option for UHF channels below.  To get fox 5 on that TV you had to put the dial halfway between 5 and 6, but I knew exactly how to set it so I wouldn't miss #62.  It was the magical kind of moment that is the inspiration behind being on your front lawn with a whiffle ball bat pretending that you just won the world series for your favorite team.

Looking back on it I think that's why I was so pissed off at all the steroid users when the cheating became public knowledge.  A-Rod, McGwire, Sosa, Palmero, Ortiz, Ramirez, Clemens, Bonds, and the rest took something that I held so special and let me know that it wasn't nearly as authentic as I thought it was.  As an adult, I understand why so many people juiced.  When Strawberry was asked about it he said that he didn't use steroids, but if he could've gotten his hand on them he probably would have.  Still, it's such a let down.

From there you look at all the bullshit things that baseball athletes have done.  Let's just look back at the past few years.  K-Rod assulting his father-in-law (see background.  literally, the background of this blog), Mark Grace recently got nailed for a DUI, Jim Leyritz killed someone because of a DUI, hell Ugueth Urbina was charged with attempted murder (while he was with the Phillies.  Just saying.)

And then there's Derek Jeter.  Came up in 1995 after the strike, and has essentially been the ambassador of Major League Baseball.  No stupid fights, no arrests, no steroids, just good hard baseball.  He's the one athlete you can consistently point to and say "See this guy?  This is how baseball is supposed to be played.  This is how baseball is supposed to be respected and represented."

How many times have you seen what people simply refer to as "the flip"?


(Go to 0:58)


This is representative of his career.  A smart, level headed, exceptional play for a smart, level headed, and exceptional player.

And the way the majority of Yankee fans have treated him is f*cking insane.

When did they forget that he's Derek f*cking Jeter??  It's INSANE.  Isn't there something refreshing about watching a natural decline of an athlete?  Jesus this is why athletes do roids in the first place!!!

So after months and months of the non stop bitch parade I was giddy that Jeter would get his 3,000th hit away from Yankee Stadium.  Not since Ripkin has a milestone been reached without any PED, and I don't know when the next one will actually happen.  After all of the shit the Yankee community has given this man there is no way they deserve to see it happen in New York.

And then he goes on the f*cking DL.

And the way the schedule works out, it looks like he'll probably get it against the Mets.

There is nothing fair about sports.  There sure as shit isn't anything fair about being a Mets fan.  I just hope our starting pitching can continue to be dominate into the NY series.

God I hate the Yankees.

The Murphy/Tejada/Turner Crisis

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Well I guess Mets fans know what they know.

It's remarkable how many people have either called into WFAN or blogged the following question:

"What are we going to do when Ike Davis and David Wright return?  Who's going to play 2nd and who's going to sit?"


Being a Mets fan is like playing the role of a domestically battered woman in a lifetime movie (and PS, call me gay all you want, the lifetime movie network is ridiculous addicting.)  To properly play this role, you need to be in fear all the time, over everything.  This includes the times when the abusive piece of shit husband or boyfriend is around, and other times when there's no real danger, like when a door slams.

In this analogy, worrying about what to do with 3 batters that are hitting around .300 isn't the husband coming home drunk, it's the f*cking door slamming because of the wind.

You can't blame Mets fans for being in a constant state of panic.  You can't give me an in-game scenario that I would feel 100 percent comfortable that the Mets will actually win the game.  Inconsistent defense, bullpen, inconsistent starting pitching, and in the case of tonight, Lucas Duda treating the rules of what you can and cannot do once a pop fly is caught like the fundamental concepts of nuclear physics are just some of the many ways that the Mets can screw up a game.  So naturally they are going to be skeptical of any situation with this ball club, whether good or bad.

Seriously, Mets fans are like this puppy.  That is, if this puppy just lost a Michael Vick dogfight and was about to be boiled in that bowl over there.





What's truly pathetic is the fact that everyone is getting very optimistic about a team that's 2 games under .500.  What's even more sad is the fact that I think this is the most excited I've been about the team since 2009.  And it's this onslaught of good news that makes everyone panic about what to do when Wright and Davis come back.  Well let me clarify a few things.

1) We have NO POWER IN THE LINE-UP.

Am I the only one actually watching this team?  Jesus Christ our clean up hitter tonight was Angel Pagan.  Last night?  Daniel f*cking Murphy, who in my beloved year of 2009 led the team in home runs with 12.  TWELVE.  That's not a clean up hitter, that's a confused 8 year old playing with mommy's makeup.  If this team is actually going to contend, they need these guys back.  Especially when you consider that Beltran will leave in a couple months, and Jason Bay is looking more like a pacified Pedro Cerrano than a power hitter.  Jesus I think that a manny (that's a man-nanny) currently has more confidence and testosterone than Bay right now.

2) These are the NEW YORK METS


Does anyone actually know when they're coming back?  Do you?  Can you tell me the next lottery numbers?  In 2 weeks David Wright has a back APPOINTMENT.  Excited?  And in another 2 weeks Ike Davis will have his boot off.  Who knows what the hell happens after that.  Another 3 weeks in the boot?  If not, can he run?  Is he in shape?  How long until he gets his swing back?

The reality is that who knows when they're coming back, or what they're going to look like when they do.  They might need more days off than usual as they adjust.  We don't know if this phenomenal version of Ruben Tejada is the real deal, what Justin Turner really is, and if Daniel Murphy will ever look comfortable defensively.  Honestly watching him play defense is a lot like watching someone devoutly religious have sex.  You know, the ones that only have sex to have kids, and put the hole in the sheet?  You figure it basically gets the job done, but it's so uncomfortable to watch.

So calm down people.  Let's let them get back to playing before we start freaking out over what to do with a line-up that has let us be 32-34.

Solving the Financial Crisis

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So the Mets are broke.  We all know this.

They took a step in the right direction by having David Einhorn become a minority owner of the team and pour 200 million dollars into the organization.  And PS, I can't be the only person who thought of this when I heard that someone named Einhorn was buying into the team:







I don't care if Einhorn is a tranny who lost RuPaul's drag race, I'll take the 200 million dollars and run with it.

Anyway, we need to come up with new ideas to bring in revenue for the Mets.  And I have a few ideas:

1) Expand Sponsorship


The Mets are nothing short of corporate whores.  Everytime I hear pitch speed brought to me by time warner high speed internet, the Verizon call to the bullpen, the peerless boiler broadcast booth, Reyes being safe and secure at 2nd base just like New York Life, I'm brought back to this (go to 0:12):








But I say the Mets can do more shameless whoring!  The problem is they're refusing to sponsor all the idiotic stuff that happens during games.  Mets fans aren't idiots, we know they do stupid things.  If we can generate some income from this that can be used for things like, ya know, keeping Jose Reyes, why not do it??  Here are some ideas:

"Ball hit sharply to 1st and it's BOOTED BY MURPHY!  Remember when you need the highest quality boots, you should purchase Timberland boots!"


"It's a 3-2 game in the bottom of the 8th with 2 out and 2 on, Terry Collins is coming to the mound, it looks like K-Rod is coming in for a 4 out save.  Normally this call to the bullpen would be brought to you by Verizon, but since it's for K-Rod this call is brought to you by Pepto Bismol, because when he's pitching you f*cking need it."


"And the 1-1 delivery GETS PAST THOLE for his 3rd passed ball of the game.  He seems to not know where the ball is.  Do you ever have a hard time finding things?  Pick up a brand new Garmin GPS to help you find your way."


"And the Mets leave 2 runners on in scoring position, once again failing to get the job done.  Think you can get the job done?  Then joined linkedin to see what employment opportunities are awaiting you!


2) Mets Bobbleheads


Now you might be thinking, but they already have bobbleheads.  Well not like these.

The Jason Bay Bobblehead:
This Bobblehead comes with a chain fence like the one at Dodger Stadium.  When you activate the bobblehead, Bay goes flying into the chain fence, and as a result of his concussion can't balance himself for 6 months.
(***chain fence sold separately***)


The David Wright Bobblehead:
This bobblehead becomes less and less effective the more you use it until you realize the piece of metal holding it up is actually cracked right where his back is.


The Angel Pagan Bobblehead:
This bobblehead has his obliques, instead of his head, bobble back and forth.


The Duaner Sanchez Bobblehead:
This bobblehead comes with a taxi cab, and as soon as you activate the head the taxi crashes into the nearest wall, causing the mets to lose the 2006 NLCS
(***taxi cab sold separately***)


The Ike Davis Bobblehead:
This bobblehead just shakes, and then falls down and doesn't stand on its own for 3 months.


The saddest part of all this is that I could keep going on.


3) Mets Board Games


Mets Monopoly
Now they actually already have this:

But they need to add a few twists.  After a while players should just start losing properties and hotels, and every once in a while the chance cards should read:

"You are going to partner up with Bernie Madoff.  Receive $1000 every turn for the next 10 turns, and then owe $100,000 immediately."




Mets Memory


You know, you shuffle the cards and put them all faced down, and try to make matches.  My twist is you can leave them with the worst Mets messes ever.  Some personal favorites include:

• Kenny Rodgers walking in the winning run of the 1999 NLCS
• Aaron Heilman losing the 2006 NLCS
• Beltrain's strike 3 of the 2006 NLCS
• Castillo's dropped pop-up in the 2010 subway series
• Art Howe getting hired
• Willie Randolph getting hired
• Jerry Manuel getting hired
• Kirk Gibson's NLCS 1988 game 1 home run

And again, the sad part is I could go on.

Mets Mousetrap

Put everything together using pieces of scrap left over from Shea Stadium, baseball bats, and at the end instead of a mouse you get to trap Omar Minaya.  And by trap I mean he gets the ever living shit kicked out of him.

These are just a few ideas.  But in the meantime, the Mets are very close to .500 ball.  Let's go Mets!!