Breaking up is hard to do - Part 2

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Let's recap, shall we?

1) I state (and still believe) that Pelfrey doesn't have a place on the starting rotation next year.

• Result - He throws a complete game and the Mets win

2) I state (and still strongly believe) that Bay doesn't have a place on this team anymore

• Result - Today Bay goes 3-4, 2 doubles, 3 RBIs

This makes me very nervous.  I'm afraid if I talk about the Mets that I want to keep on this team that they're going to start to slump.  Of course it's ridiculously arrogant to think that my tiny little blog affects the performance of the New York Mets, but then again, I'm ridiculously arrogant.

Not like Clemens arrogant, but arrogant enough.

Anyway, here are three people that I strongly believe need to be on this team next year.

1) Daniel Murphy

As a player, I LOVE Daniel Murphy.  How can you not?  He is absurdly focused on baseball.  In 2009 he was dressed in a suit getting off of the team bus and someone asked him why he was dressed up.  His response was something along the lines of "you need to dress right when you're in a pennant race." (Mets finished 70-92 in 2009).  He's so serious about baseball that if and when he gets married his wife will be the mistress in his relationship with major league baseball.

Everyone knows that his defense is exceptionally suspect, but it has gotten dramatically better this year.  Now, did I say that watching Murphy play defense is like watching a porn where all they do is have sex fully clothed with the hole cut out of the sheet?  Yes, that sounds like something I would say.  But the reality is that he works too hard to not become a decent second baseman.

Yes, second base.  Not right field.  Everyone thinks I'm crazy when I say that, but his offense is perfect for a second baseman.  Doesn't have a ton of power, but he carries a little pop (he did lead the Mets in home runs with a whopping 12 in 2009), and clearly will hit for average (currently 3rd in the NL with a .319 average).  This is a line drive hitting team starved for power, and the likelihood is that they'll find that power from an outfielder, not a 2nd baseman.  I don't know if the future of the outfield is with Duda, F-Mart, Kirk Nieuwenhuis, some kid I've never heard of, or someone they'll acquire, but whoever he is will probably play because of an ability to drive the long ball.

You know what's ironic though?  I think I would loathe a conversation with Daniel Murphy.  Every interview I hear with him sounds like he's fighting through his Aspergers to recall the Robert's Rules of Order regarding how to interact in a conversation.  He's a good looking kid who could probably pick up any female he wants in the greater New York Metropolitan Area, but I just can't see him having a natural, normal conversation with a female.  Watch an interview with him and tell me you can't imagine him having sex screaming things like "Give me that 0-2 slider in the dirt!"  I don't even know what that means, but it doesn't sound very nice.

2) Angel Pagan

I LOVE Angel Pagan.  Say what you want to say, but Pagan's fine.  His year got off to a very rough start, he played hurt, finally went on the DL, and just now is starting to look like the player from last year.  He's got an excellent bat, great speed, a wonderful glove, and no longer is doing the stupid base running blunders that had skeptics questioning his ability to play baseball at the major league level.

Imagine him 1-2 with Reyes next year (Yes, I also think that Reyes will get resigned.  I know, I know.)

1) Reyes

2) Pagan

3) Wright

4) Davis

5) Murphy

6) Duda?

7) *sigh*, Bay

8) Thole/Paulino

That, my friends, is not a bad line up, not even a little bit (well, Bay sucks.)  You can move Pagan down in that line up to give a little more depth at the bottom, but Jesus look at the speed 1-3.  Talk about wreaking havoc on the bases.

And as I'm writing this I'm realizing what a huge part of Carlos Beltran's Mets legacy will be.  Angel Pagan.  He mentored him over the years and I believe is a huge part of Pagan's success: past, present, & future.  Pagan will be fine and he will contribute greatly to this club.

3) David Wright

Some people love him, some people hate him. I think that he can finally start to be himself again for the first time in years.

The biggest knock against him is that he hasn't been clutch, and there's plenty of evidence to support it.  He batted .160 in the NLCS of 2006.  He was a major role player for both collapses of 2007 and 2008.  But how many of you can imagine going through all of that by your 25th birthday?

Then Citi Field got built, Delgado went down, Beltran went down, Reyes went down.  Willie was in and out, Jerry was in and out, Omar was in and out.  He was the only consistently healthy player on the team, billed as the future of the franchise, and played like all of that pressure would fracture his back (irony completely intended.)  His swing got long, his average went down, even his disposition on the field was negative.  

If this picture isn't a metaphor for someone trying to do something that doesn't fit I don't know what is:

Seriously, what superstar do you know looks like this?

Listen, Wright will never be a player that can carry an entire team on his back.  But this is a star that, if given the right circumstances, will be a very dangerous threat, and with this current team dynamic I think it's his time to dominate again.  Currently he's batting .455 since he's come back, obviously that will cool off.  But this team is built in a way that Wright doesn't have to do too much, he just needs to stay in his wheelhouse.

Well, one thing.  He needs to learn how to do the claw.

Seriously David, it's not that hard.

All this being said, I am still loving watching the 2011 Mets.  I hope they keep fighting every night, clawing their way to catch up to a Chipper-less and McCann-less Atlanta Braves.

Lets Go Mets!!

Breaking up is hard to do - Part 1

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The realist in me tells me that the season is over (although I'd be lying if I said I don't check the Braves score every night to see if the Mets gained or lost any ground in the wildcard.)  While I enjoy watching this Mets team battle every night despite the fact that they probably aren't going to make the playoffs, I still like to think about the next year or two and what the team will look like then.  After all, phase one of this new regime is undoing the Omar mess.  Once Castillo, Perez, and K-Rod officially come off the books (and assuming Beltran doesn't get resigned), then Sandy and the rest need to shape this team into a contender.  So that leaves us to wonder:

Who exactly is going to be on this Mets team?


Well, there are definitely two that I can think of that shouldn't be on this team next year.

1) Mike Pelfrey 

Listen, I like Pelfrey, I really do.  For years it was that he was young and had to mature.  Then last year he started the year off to a ridiculous 10-1 start, and everyone was hopeful that he had arrived.  But since then it's been the same old Pelfrey.  He's not built to pitch for the Mets, and I can break it down into 2 major points:

1) John Maine Syndrome
Remember when John Maine was going to be a 20 game winner?  He had a rising fastball that topped off at 95 MPH and the future looked bright?

And then all he did was look like a deer caught in the headlights?

I know Maine got hurt and Pelfrey hasn't yet, but towards the tail end of Maine's career it would take 30 pitches just to get out of an inning.  He lost that velocity and power to put hitters away.  But Pelfrey didn't get hurt, at least not physically, and it still takes him 30 pitches to get through an inning.  This brings me to point #2.

2) Pelfrey is pitching like a little bitch.  Still.
I write this understanding that he's 6'7" and enormous, but that's the point.  He should be nasty, but he pitches like he's suffering with some kind of anemia (which let's face it, on the Mets it's a significant possibility.)

But everything he does just says pansy.  It's in his disposition on the mound, in his early days with the fumbling of the mouthguard, and I swear to God this should be the music that plays when he hits the mound:

It's not quite Enter Sandman or Hells Bells, but I think it's equally as appropriate given how Pelf pitches these days.

But let's be real.  Santana is coming back, and even with his fastball topping off at 90mph, he's clearly getting a spot in the rotation.  And next year?  Matt Harvey and Jenrry Mejia are going to be fighting for a spot.  Capuano, Dickey, and Niese have been basically consistent all year and clearly pitched with more dominance than Pelfrey.  I just don't see a future for him with this club.  I was kind of hoping that when Wright came back things would get better for him.  Here, put this on and then read the dialogue I saw happening in my head:

David: I've missed you, Pelfy-Bear
Pelf: I've missed you more, David
David: We need you to man up and pitch like we know you can Pelfy
Pelf: (tears come gushing down) I know!  Just with you gone and not traveling with me day to day I felt like a piece of me was just dead on the inside.  But now that you're back I know that I can get my velocity back!
Cue 5 minutes of hugging, cuddling, and intermittent slaps on the rear.


***Fin***


I think Pelf can be successful in the Major Leagues, just not in New York.  Trade him to Kansas City, Milwaukee, or a smaller market team and I think he'll thrive.  The pressure of this city just isn't for everyone.

2) Jason Bay

Dude, it's over.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, but let's be real.  It's over.

What always amazes me is when people refer to Bay's tenure with the Mets as a "slump."  It's not a slump when it's ALL he does.  If you meet someone who is 450lbs and they tell you that he or she is cheating on their diet today, would you call them a dieter?

Not likely.

If Jason Bay has a week where he hits over .300, but the rest of the time bats .230, which one doesn't seem normal?

And I know that it sucks that this is costing 66 million dollars.  It could have cost 200 million dollars and my left testicle but it wouldn't change the fact that it's over!

It's called "sunk cost" my friends:
In economics and business decision-making, sunk costs are retrospective (past) costs that have already been incurred and cannot be recovered. Sunk costs are sometimes contrasted with prospective costs, which are future costs that may be incurred or changed if an action is taken. Both retrospective and prospective costs may be either fixed (that is, they are not dependent on the volume of economic activity, however measured) or variable (dependent on volume).


That's wiki-speak for IT'S FUCKING OVER SO LET HIM GO.  If after two years it's not getting any better, than you need to put a young kid in there whether it's Duda, or Pridie, or F-Mart and let them grow.  Or you need to use the $$ you're getting at the end of the year to pick up an outfielder.  It's just that simple.  He is a black hole in this line up, and while it sucks, that's why breaking up is hard to do.

Stay tuned for part 2, my predictions on the Mets players that people think should go, but I think should stay.

In the meantime, Let's Go Mets!!!

Commercials During Mets Games

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It's a long, 162 game season.  When you're a Mets fan, the season can seem longer than it should.  Is it so much to ask that the commericals we listen to not be so unbelievably ridiculous?  Let me rant about some of the highlights here.

#5) 1-877 Kars 4 Kids

 How is it they found a pedophile to sing a song about donating towards a children's charity?  It's not a clever song, it's just creepy.  Is it catchy?  Yes, it's catchy.  The banjos in Deliverance  were also very catchy.  It was memorable when Kathy Bates broke James Caan's foot in Misery.  Memorable does not equal good, it just means that you remember it.

#4) Creepy Kid In The New York Smokers Quitline Commerical:




Yeah it makes me scared, scared that you're going to murder my entire fucking family!  Jesus Christ I thought at the end of The Ring  your reign of terror was over!  Honestly, you make Chucky look like a cabbage patch doll.  I feel like I need to go smoke a pack just to work off the stress of wondering if you're going to burn down my house while singing "London Bridge is Falling Down", but I'm afraid if I go smoke you're going to turn into a Wyvern and engulf everyone I've ever loved into flames.

Conclusion:  So.  Fucking.  Creepy.

#3) The Second Worst Jingle Ever Written:

I HATE this fucking jingle.  It sounds like some reject 80s rocker who was kicked out of Winger in 1981 is looking for a comeback. You're singing about a car dealership, not about love loss, recovery from addiction, or someone that has passed away.  There's no reason that follows any form of logic that legitimizes the singing style of this jingle.  Close your eyes and tell me you don't think he's spluging into the gas tank of a Ford Focus while he's singing this.  And yes, I just had to spell check the gerund of "spluge."

#2) The Worst Jingle Ever Written:

Predictably, I HATE this fucking jingle.  It's not even effective.  It took me several listenings just to realize that it was for the lottery.  It's just ridiculously irritating to listen to.  I'd rather listen to Helen Keller try to pass a sobriety test as she says the alphabet backwards while trying to walk in a straight line.

It's the lottery for fucks sake!  Just put on a shitty keyboard track a la Wesley Willis and say something like "You'll be rich if you win."  Don't put some dipshit in flippers on the subway.

Don't know who Wesley Willis is?  Observe:

May he rest in peace.

 #1) "Hey, I'm Giuseppe Franco!"

Honestly, was there any suspense as to what would be #1 here?

Hey, I don't own the product.  I don't know anything about it.  All I know is that I've been paid to say this is the greatest product ever!

And honestly, which is worse?

• The fact that he says "I'm Giuseppe Franco.  I'm not going to loan my name out there for just any product."  Are you kidding?  No one knows who the hell you are!  It's like me going "Hey, I run Mets Rant.  I have a whopping 45 followers on twitter right now (and thank you for those of you that did!).  I'm not going to loan my reputation out there for just any product.

or...

• The fact that they use Gary Busey as proof that he has celebrity clients.  GARY BUSEY!  Forget that he's crazy.  Okay I know that's next to impossible, but try.  Just look at his hair!  Who gives a shit who does Gary Busey's hair?  It looks like he went to supercuts like the rest of us.

*sigh*.  Well folks, as we suffer through these commercials let's just quietly enjoy the days of having Beltran in the line-up and enjoy the fact that Wright is coming back on Friday.

Let's Go Mets!

The K-Hole Catharsis

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So I've taken some time to really consider how I felt about about K-Hole getting traded.  I don't really like him, but for the most part he's been very effective this year.  Plus with the fear of a fire sale looming over this Mets club I can understand how people are fearing it's the beginning of a premature end.  Despite all of this, I came to a conclusion that I think perfectly fits what it's like for K-Hole to leave this team:

Francisco Rodriguez getting traded is like recovering from a drug addiction.

Now you might think this makes no sense, but I assure you it makes PERFECT sense.  It's the beginning of the Mets going from this:

To this:

Not seeing it?  Let me explain.

#1) Drugs are expensive.  So was K-Hole.


Seriously, to support a drug habit takes a significant amount of capital.  Watch any VH1 Behind the Music and they'll tell you about the money that they blew on blow.  I remember catching up with my ex years ago and she was telling me about how she spent more money on her monthly marijuana habit than I did on my car payment.  Now yes, I drive a Ford Focus, and yes, I got a zero percent interest rate on it, but sweet baby Jesus that's a lot of weed.

The Mets were on pace to owe him 17.5 million dollars!  Whenever my credit card hits $1,000 I have a small panic attack.  I can still remember my senior year of college, living in my frat house completely broke and cringing at McDonalds praying that my debit card wouldn't get denied so I could have my McGriddle.

Mmmmm...McGriddle.....

Anyway, it had to be done.  If you've ever been in any kind of financial hole you know the relief that you feel when you're taking charge and working your way out of debt.  It's empowering and healthy. Even if the Mets had circumvented his 55 completed games, you know the union would've had a fit and then for months it would've been a huge battle.  It had to be done.

2) You do crazy shit when you're on Drugs.  K-Hole did crazy shit on the mound.


It's true!  If you acted completely normally no one would take them.  My drug of choice is alcohol and it has caused me to get thrown out of bars, urinate on the side of the road in Atlantic City while singing the National Anthem, and most recently go swimming in one of my best friend's neighbor's pool at 1am (sorry Jeff).  I've seen my friends take a shit in a washing machine, throw 36 fluid oz. of water all over a white castle, and while I wasn't there, I know for a fact that two of my fraternity brothers literally got thrown out of Harvard.

K-Hole's performances were NUTS.  Jesus tap-dancing Christ on a bicycle how many times did he: 

• Load the bases for no good reason?
• Give back all of the insurance runs that the offense had provided for him?
• Throw 45 pitches to record 2 outs?
• Have a temper tantrum on the mound that made you wonder if he was going to tackle someone?
• Get into a fight with his girlfriend's father, tear a ligament in his thumb and remove himself from baseball for the rest of the year?

Okay, he only did that last one once, but who does that?

And like all drug addictions, it's the family's of those using that suffer the most.  In this analogy, we Mets fans had to suffer during all of this shit.  I swear to God all of the physical and mental pain we endured could be listed as side effects for some new medication.

Imagine you're watching a TV commercial where some 30 something is walking a dog and smiling.  Morgan Freeman says the following:

Watching Francisco Rodriguez pitch may cause the following symptoms:

• High Blood Pressure
• Headaches
• Dizziness
• Nausea
• Sweating
• Sudden Mood Swings
• Thoughts of Suicide
• Or Death.

Let me put it this way.  Think about other closers.  Think about GAME OVER in big letters and Eric Gagne coming to the mound.  How confident must have Padres' fans been once Trevor Hoffman entered the game.  Brian Wilson's face is covered with what looks like pubic hair that could only be described in the original versions of Genesis, yet Giants' fans feel relieved when he takes the mound.

If you're a Mets fan, can you even imagine what it's like to be relieved when the closer comes to the mound?

Yeah no.

Too young to remember his good years.

I'm still bitter over '06.

My point is, it might seem like K-Hole was this elite closer for us, but seriously, don't look back in rose colored glasses.  It was stressful and he was a douche.

3) The next few weeks will feel like we're going through withdrawal, but we'll be better for it in the long run.


Sure the next couple of weeks with either Parnell, Beato, or Izzy closing will be stressful.  It will be no different than the shakes and pains one feels when getting clean.  But eventually either Parnell or Beato (probably Parnell) will find his legs and become our future closer and we'll all be better for it.  That's not to say that we're not due for some bumps in the road, but long term this is a healthy and intelligent decision for the Mets.

My Superhero Mets Dream

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Every once in a while a sports hero is born out of triumph in times of great turmoil.  We laude them for defying the odds, doing the impossible, and in extreme cases their stories and accomplishments live on for eternity.

You look at these pictures and you know exactly what they did:

It doesn't have to be on a grand stage for moments like this to happen.  Maybe you've been out golfing with your buddies and he or she hit a hole in one.  Or maybe you know someone that had the most ridiculous catch you've ever seen while you were in high school and it comes up in conversation every time you two hang out.  Jesus I still remember the first kid I ever threw out as a catcher in little league.

And I'm sure the folks in Minnesota will never forget this shot that won the state title:

...I could do that.

We even seek these moments out in our movies.  Any sports fan would recognize these pictures:

But even in these moments of greatness (fictional or otherwise), there were limitations to their extenuating circumstances.  Kerri Strug had to do one  vault with a sprained ankle.  Jim Abbott had one arm, not one leg.  The Americans had to win one game against the Russians, not a best of 7 (although they did go on to win the gold medal game obviously).


I'm not trying to take away from these legendary, inspiring, jaw dropping accomplishments that live on in sports immortality.  There's a reason why these stories are told to young children and reflected upon with reverence.  All I'm saying is that these situations were poised for success regardless of how bleak they may have looked at the time.


This Mets team has been a privilege to watch.  We have seen a grittiness and tenacity in them that has certainly been lacking in previous years.  But honestly, let's break it down:

• Wilpon's and the financial mess
• No Santana
• Bay was out
• Then Bay sucked for a long, long time
• Young goes down
• Mejia tears his elbow
• Davis and his ankle
• Wright and his back

And in the midst of all this we've seen young talent step up and fill roles they had no business assuming.  Beltran seems to have found the fountain of youth, and do I even need to describe what Reyes has meant to this club and the fan base?

Last night, the Mets loss on the surface was completely understandable.  They had won 4 straight, 3 of which were on the road, and Clayton Kershaw is colder on the mound than Ice Cube AND Coors Light combined.

But they just looked bad man.  The defensive play outside of Jason Bay was awful.  The only thing worse than the defense was the officiating, but that's a rant for another day.

They looked exhausted, flat, and just defeated, arguably due to Reyes officially going on the DL.  And their next six pitching match-ups?

• Vogelsong
• Lincecum
• Cain (At least Wright can't get drilled in the head twice)
• Halliday
• Lee
• Hamels

I mean seriously, everyone and their mother is expecting the Mets to get spanked over that stretch.  Logic tells us that with everything stacked against the Mets, they aren't poised for an amazing run.  It truly seems that the circumstances are as debilitating as they appear.

So here's my dream.  Here, put and leave this on with the sound up:

Lets say the Mets drop 5 out of 6 over this stretch.  Then the media goes crazy saying that the team needs to be disbanded and sold off, but the Mets can't find any deals that are better than the draft picks they would get from losing them to free agency.  So by some miracle Beltran and Reyes stay.

And then once, just this once, things work out for the Mets.  Davis, Wright, Santana all come back from the DL like a WWE reunion of fan favorite super stars running down the aisle to deliver a chair blow to the Philly Phanatic's head.  They go on a ridiculous run through August & September and win the wild card, followed by a phenomenal playoff run.

But that doesn't happen for Mets fans, does it?

RA Dickey had a broken nail and pitched like garbage.  Ike Davis fell down 2 months ago and we haven't seen him since.  As pathetic as it is, I'm actually excited that he ran on a weight reducing treadmill (It's like the same feeling I get when I'm actually excited to see gas at $3.49 a gallon.)

But other teams don't suffer like we do.  You can look at historic moments like Gibson's home run or Schilling's bloody sock, or you can look recent at Albert Pujols who broke his fucking forearm and came back in two weeks.  

Jesus even these two assholes get more breaks than the Mets do:

But hey, if what was supposed to happen always happened sports would be pretty damn boring.  And after all,

Ya Gotta Believe.

Good Job Mets Fans

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Ya know, after years of abuse I finally decide to actually create a blog to vent my frustrations regarding the Mets.  Here's the thing though...

The Mets are actually, well, good right now.


Since they started 5-13 they have the third best record in the National League (of course the 1st and 2nd best records belong to the Phillies and Braves, but such is the life of a Mets fan).  And despite all there is to worry about with this ball club, I think that the Mets fans have handled everything extremely well.  The list of shit to worry about includes but in no way is limited to:

• The Wilpons and the financial crisis
• Reyes possibly leaving
• Beltran possibly leaving
• K-Hole possibly leaving
• K-Hole possibly staying
• Reyes' hamstring
• Wright's back
• Davis' ankle
• Santana's Elbow
• Mejia's Elbow
• F-Mart's knees
• Dickey's Ass
• Any Saturday game covered by Joe Buck***
• Any Sunday night game covered by ESPN***

***By covered I mean they'll show the moving pictures of the Mets playing, but talk about the Phillies, Yankees, Fred Wilpon, John Kruk's anti-eating disorder, and Jayson Stark attempting to give oral sex to the Philly Phanatic on ESPN (but only if you have an "Insider" account)***

Seriously though, aside from one stretch where the callers to WFAN were flat out ridiculous regarding what to do when Wright and Davis return, the Mets have done exceptionally well with putting everything in perspective.  I haven't encountered anyone who is 100 percent set on them making the playoffs (or 20 percent for that matter), or thinks the Mets are doomed because they lost 2 out of 3 to the Yankees.  I haven't encountered anyone who thinks Pelf will win the Cy Young based off of last night, that Bay will hit 30 home runs or that Parnell will throw 102mph for the next 15 years.  In other words:

The Mets fans are taking everything in stride and enjoying the ride.

It would be SO NICE if Yankees fans would do the same.  Jesus Christ you listen to WFAN for 20 minutes and you'd think you're listening to the Lifetime Network's "Midol Minute" where everyone can just come up and irrationally bitch for no good reason whatsoever.  And PS, this week it's been SO NICE driving and not listening to FrancessER on the fan, but it's just been wasted with these Yankee callers.

I mean honestly, look at the club they have.  Best record in the American League, and look at all they've overcome this year (and yes, they should be able to with the money they spend, but still)

• I'd call AJ Burnett bi-polar, but that's an insult to bi-polar people
• As far as I'm concerned my theory that Theo Epstein has a voodoo pin in a Phil Hughes doll is just as valid as anything else they've come up with
• One word.  Bullpen.  Yikes. (Apologies to Robertson)

But they've gotten great success from Colon and Freddie Garcia, and they're poised to make the playoffs.  But all I keep hearing is insane amounts of bitching about Derek Jeter!

Jesus Christ calm down!!  He is three hits away from 3,000 so can we just enjoy it??  Every idiot that calls to complain is like a 15 year old playing Angry Birds while watching a sunset at the Grand Canyon.  It's like watching Dennis Byrd take his first steps and only commenting about how he doesn't play football anymore.  For f*cks sake only 27 people in baseball HISTORY have 3000 hits or more.  Even Ted Williams doesn't have 3000 hits.  So relax and stop being such a Debbie Downer!!!

So I say rock on Mets fans.  Even though I'm struggling to find my typical anger and resentment about my favorite baseball team, I feel proud to have you as my brethren as we enjoy the Mets playing great baseball despite knowing it could change at any moment.

Dear Taylor Buchholz

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Hey buddy,

You're probably getting a lot of shit for not being able to pitch because of your depression.  When the news story broke out I had a lot of my buddies say things along the lines of "Gee, life is so tough, must be hard to make a ton of money playing baseball."  And there is a point to that logic, but for the moment you should ignore it.  

I did a little research on you, and it turns out you haven't dealt with New York very long.  In fact, you've been passed around quite a bit:

And what I assume was the worst possible moment of your life:

I'm no psychologist, but I'm sure that a certified doctor could pick this picture apart and explain just how depressed you are to be wearing that jersey.

So you're in New York after being passed around the league more than a bowl of weed at a Michael Phelps party, and you've got to deal with the fans of New York.  Well here's the dirty little secret.  You think you're depressed?

There is no other fan base on Earth more depressed than the New York Metropolitans.

None Taylor.  None.

See this guy?

This is how we ALL feel on almost a daily basis about our team.  In 2006 I almost started crying in the middle of a Houlihan's after game 7.  Not full blown legit crying, but clearly upset enough to the point where one of my testicles might as well have been replaced with an ovary.  Which I guess would've turned me into some weird transformer hermaphrodite or something.  You know what?  This isn't about me, it's about you.  Let's move on.

It's ironic really, because you'd think that as horrendously depressed individuals, we'd have your back.  But it's just that we are so ridiculously sick of unbelievable injuries that we just can't take it anymore.  Santana, Wright, Davis, Young, Reyes (apparently anyway), and that's only in the 1st half of this year.  And the reality is that if the Mets clubs of the past 5 years had all stayed healthy, who knows how many rings they would have by now.

But evidently there is absolutely no part of the body that is not susceptible to injuries for the New York Mets.  Whenever I hear this song it's like an awful montage of Mets' injuries:

I honestly believe there is no injury the Mets can't suffer from.  There will probably be a day when Jason Bay gets the Mumps and Carlos Beltran dies of dysentery while trying to find his way back onto the Oregon Trail.  I'm still waiting to hear back from the Mets execs about my idea of "Iron Lung Night" at Citi Field, but they haven't called me.

So we're extremely frustrated to find out that when a quality relief pitcher such as yourself is physically fine, but mentally unable to compete.  It kills us because you're good!  Your curveball moves up and down more than Hugh Hefner having a seizure in bed.  We WANT you in there.  But I understand that depression is a tricky thing.  Whatever you've got going on in your life, I hope you get it all straightened out, because we're chomping at the bit to see you pitch in a Mets uniform again.

In the meantime, just keep watching this clip over and over again my friend, and hopefully you'll find your feet again: