Why Reyes Leaving is So Painful

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So it's been a couple of days.  It didn't even get that much coverage on WFAN or in the news since the Giants and Jets are approaching the end of the season.  But now that the news has settled in I'm beginning to understand layers to why I hate Reyes leaving so much.

First of all, there's the obvious.  We all loved seeing this:

And now we're going to see this:

But it's more than that.

I spoke with my brother when it all went down and he told me "I just can't believe I can't root for someone who has been a Met since he was 16."  In this era of free agency it's increasingly rare to find that true franchise player.  The Ozzie Smiths, the Cal Ripkens, even the Derek Jeters are becoming more and more rare in today's Major League Baseball.

So the more I digest the fact that Reyes is gone, the more I hate that he went to the Marlins.  Not just because he's in the division, but because of who the Marlins are.  They build their team up, they break them down (wash, rinse, repeat.)  They frequently boast the most pathetic, apathetic, and abysmal attendance year in and year out.  Maybe it's something in Florida, because Tampa can't even fill the seats when the Rays are competing for the pennant.

So after years of treating games in Florida as Mets home games because it's retired New Yorkers that move to Florida who actually go to the games, after years of the Marlins pocketing revenue sharing year in and year out, and after the Marlins get the tax payers to purchase their brand new stadium, all of a sudden they decide that they want to be a relevant baseball team and want to make a splash.

Who would have ever thought that THIS would be a financial force to be reckoned with?

If you're going to spend all this money, why not find a graphic artist who isn't horrendous?  Jesus Christ I'm just waiting for Ryan Murphy to put Glee's "nationals" in Miami so he can put his cast in these jerseys.

I just don't feel like the Marlins have earned the right to suddenly be relevant.  It's like when the boss' daughter starts interning at your office and demands special treatment from everyone.  Miami is now the spoiled brat of baseball.  In what seems like a spur of the moment decision, they want to start winning baseball games, and in the process took the heart and soul of the Mets, and will possibly do the same to the Cardinals.

I view baseball as a beautiful, pure game.  Despite all the blessings I've had in my life (and believe me, they are more than I deserve), I find it easy to get bogged down with the pedestrian stress of life.  The morning commute, the politics at work, the persistent financial strain and worries for the future; it can be overwhelming.  But baseball can transform me into a Holden Caulfield-like state.  It's a beautiful game that can be played anywhere, with basically any equipment, by people of any age.  You can sit and marvel at a flawless swing, a filthy curveball, or a diving catch.  You can grab a hot dog and argue statistics, or discuss never-ending arguments like "who is the greatest pitcher of all time?" or "give me your dream line-up."  And when it's over there's a clear winner and a clear loser; a welcomed clarity in what can be mass confusion.

It's an old game, it's America's past time, and it feels like the Marlins just decided they'd like to join the party.  Miami is the douche bag who just realized the flashmob was moved to 12:30.

Obviously I'd find fault with anywhere that Reyes went to.  But if you see Miami land Pujols, you are going to watch the Marlins go from being ignored to being hated.  I just hope their "dream team" works out the same way the Philadelphia Eagles' "dream team" did.

A Couple Clicks to Help a Lot of Kids

Hi all,

A good friend of mine from college works for "Play Rugby USA," where they bring Rugby to under privileged youth.  Through your votes and support, they could receive a $10,000 donation from Toyota.  Please take a few moments to vote everyday through Tuesday, October 4th.  Thanks everyone!
- JB

Click here: Toyota's Halftime Handoff Facebook page

More information:

Play Rugby USA has been selected to participate in Toyota's Halftime Handoff, a community effort to support sports-based non-profit organizations. Each week, four selected charities are put to a public vote, with the winner receiving a $10,000 donation from Toyota and a short video announcement on the following week's Sunday Night Football broadcast.

This week it is our turn! Voting runs from today, September 28 to Tuesday, October 4 at midnight. If each of you could please take a few minutes to login to Facebook, vote for us, and share it with your friends it would be greatly appreciated. This is a big opportunity for Play Rugby USA as we get ready for the 2011-2012 school year!

To vote:

-Go to Toyota's Halftime Handoff Facebook page

-Like the page, then click the "Vote Now" button in the middle of the page

-Allow the app access to your profile information (Same as you must do for any third party app on Facebook)

-Select Play Rugby USA, hit "Vote Now", and share it with your friends!

NOTE: Voting is limited to one person per day. Voters must be registered users of Facebook and legal residents of the 50 US States or the District of Columbia.

Thank you again for all of your support!

At Least We're Not Philly

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Sunday was referred to as "Bloody Sunday," and I think that's perfectly appropriate.

Look at that expression on Murph's face.  I've walked into and out of funerals looking like this.

So it occurs to me that Mets fans need a pick-me-up.  I know that we probably weren't going to make the playoffs anyway, but losing that game and those players basically sealed the deal.  So I'd like to make this post an enjoyable read, a metaphorical baby blanket that Mets fans can cling to as a source of comfort.  And I can sum this post up in one phrase:

At least we aren't Philadelphia.

I know the Phillies have a great team this year.  I know that the Eagles are poised to make a Super Bowl run.  Even the Flyers are competitive.  I don't give a shit.  It's one of the worst places on Earth.  Let me pick this shit hole of a city apart brick by "asbestos/SARS/TomHanksAIDS" filled brick.

1) Philly is AWFUL AT SPORTS.

It's true!  This recent Philly success is like Halley's fucking Comet swinging by every 75 years.  

Facts:

• The Eagles have never won a super bowl
• The Phillies are the only sports franchise in history to lose over 10,000 games
• The Phillies have had SEVENTY-TWO losing seasons, including 16 in a row from 1933-1948
• The Phillies hold the national league record with the most 100 loss seasons.  They have 13.
• The Phillies hold the record for longest losing streak at 23 games in a row.
• The Phillies have been around since 1883 and only won the world series twice.

Philadelphia did have a good baseball team.  It was the A's.  And then they left, because if you're a winner, you're going to get the fuck out as quickly as possible.  Why?

2) Philly is awful at rooting for sports teams.

There is just too much material on this point.  Let's choose some of the brilliant moments.  

Exhibit A: See this guy?

His name is Matthew Clemmens.  He was drunk and obnoxious at a Phillies game, and when an off duty police officer's two daughters (ages 11 and 16) asked him to stop, he intentionally vomited on them.  Here's my biggest of many questions:

How the fuck does that thought even enter into your mind?

Listen, I can come up with some ridiculous shit.  I can imagine things like:

• Taking a group of orphans, dressing them like seals, and then dropping them in the ocean during Shark Week.  
• Bringing a group of kindergarteners to a viewing of "Bambi" at a taxidermists office.
• Breaking into an old-folks home, kidnapping a shit ton of Alzheimers patients, and then just dropping them off all over some random ass ghetto.

I've got a messed up head.  And there is no way in holy hell that I would ever even conceive the thought of puking on a some 11 year old kid.

Exhibit B: Philly fans boo Santa.

Now this actually happened in 1968, and obviously this picture is more recent than that, but I'd like to think that when it happened it looked something like this.  For the love of God it's SANTA.  Unless the entire stadium was filled with Jews and they were legitimately upset at Santa's lack of Mitzvahs for his Jewish brethren, then there's no excuse for this.  What assholes.

Exhibit C: The Phillies fans habitually throw batteries at Dick Allen.

Upset with Dick Allen's comments about racial equality in the 1960s, they decided to throw D batteries at him during games.  See that helmet he's wearing?  He had to wear it in the field at HOME GAMES.  I guess Phillies fans wanted to treat him separately, but equally.

Exhibit D: The Michael Irvin Injury.

See this picture?  Michael Irvin got tackled and literally couldn't move.  You know what you can't see from this picture?  Every fucking Philly fan CHEERING.  Tell me any other city where this would happen.

The sad part?  I could go on!  There is:

• "Don't Tase Me Bro!"
• Flyers fans beat up St. Louis Blues fans and coach Al Arbour in 1972.
• Boo-ing McNabb at the draft, and basically every game afterwards.  You've only been to two super bowls and he took you to one of them you fucking idiots
• And what other city would sign Vick after doing this to pit bulls? (click at your own risk, I'm not posting this picture on the blog.)

All of this and more is why they needed a fully functional jail at the bottom of Veterans Stadium.

3) The "Rocky" Problem.

They idolize a FICTIONAL character.  Never mind the fact that Joe Frazier, one of the greatest boxers of all time, actually grew up in Philly.  Let's worship the fictional fucking boxer who LOST IN THE FIRST MOVIE.

In movies we have seen:

• Dinosaurs come back to life in Jurassic Park
• Aliens attack the world in Independence Day
• Cowboys vs. Aliens (need I say more)
• Lindsay Lohan doing well in school in Mean Girls
• Lindsay Lohan sober enough to drive a car in Herbie
• Lindsay Lohan sober enough to drive a car in Herbie: Fully Loaded

Yet Rocky can't win the fight the first time through?  Really?

Let me put it this way.  I'm a Jersey guy through and through (not Jersey Shore Jersey, I'm actually from Jersey.)  We've had great musicians.  Guys like Sinatra, Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi, etc.  If I were from Philly, I would ignore all of these legendary musicians and instead idolize Piper Perabo from Coyote Ugly:

Why would I idolize her?  Because she sang in a movie, and because you can't stop the moonlight bitches.

4) Get over the fucking cheesesteak.

Ever watch "Top Chef"?  They recently had an "all star" season.  The winner was a guy named Richard Blais.  Here is what he cooked in the last challenge to win:

I don't even know half of these words!  But legit chefs who cook delicious food know all of this stuff. My point is that IT'S CHEESE ON A FUCKING STEAK, NOT THE POLIO VACCINE.  Some fat ass put two things together and now it's popular.  Does it taste good?  Yes.  Should you really be that proud?  No.  Get over yourself.

Conclusion:

Philly is an awful city.  Calling Philadelphia the city of brotherly love is like calling Birmingham the city of racial equality.  The fans are rude and obnoxious.  Having the Phillies represent America's past time literally makes me nauseous.  The reality is that the Phillies games should be broadcast on Al Jazeera TV.

And I'm not the only one who thinks this.

• Philly voted to have ugliest citizens in America
• Philly fans voted worst in America
• Philly 2nd dirtiest city in America, beating out Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans

So Mets fans, we have a gritty team that is decimated by injuries.  Regardless, they continue to fight so we can have moments like this:

And since Phillies fans didn't exist prior to 2007, we all know that they will disappear eventually too.  Stay strong Mets fans!

Reasons to be pissed

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I don't know about you, but I feel that I've been failed.  Not just by the Mets, but it seems like by everyone around me.

• Failed by an American Government who has a worse gambling problem than A-Rod.
• Failed by the PA drivers who don't understand basic concepts of driving, including but sure as shit not limited to:
• Turn signal use
• Left lane avoidance
• Inability to navigate a traffic circle
• Inability to drive a different speed than the car next to them
• Inability to not attempt to change lanes while parallel to said cars
• Failed by the generic idiotic bullshit that we all have to go through on a daily basis.

And it's really uncalled for.  If you look hard enough you can find stories of perseverance, tenacity, and hope.

See this chick?

Her name is Pamela Salant.  She fell 50 feet and survived for three days eating bugs, caterpillars, and drinking creek water.  If I'm late for work without eating breakfast and I drive past a sonic, I want to pull over and risk getting fired to quench my need for greasy goodness.

Or how about this?

Endured a tragic situation that anyone would have accepted him eroding away in a down pour of endless self-pity.  Instead, he turned the word "Believe" into a mantra for all who will listen.  And I, for one, believe that he will walk again.

Or how about this kid working hard and getting to call that Reyes home run the other night?

This little kid accomplished at age 11 what I have often dreamed of doing.

My point is that life is hard enough.  More often than not we're surrounded by the negative, and the positive moments just seem too few and far between.  

Sports provides us an outlet of escape, an opportunity to get passionate through a platform with a clear winner and loser.  It's something we can vest a legitimate interest in, but at the end of the day doesn't really matter (i.e. think about how you felt the moment you heard Bin Laden was killed in the middle of the Mets/Phils game.)  

It's what makes me come to games early in hopes of getting a ball from batting practice.  It's why I keep a glove and baseball in my car at all times.  It's why my friends and I will play catch around the old Shea Stadium bases, pretending to turn two, throw runners out at second, or work on our "change-ups" and "curve balls".

So as a Mets fan, when I'm looking for something positive to take from my sports escape, the past couple of nights it's left me with one glaring question:

HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT TO THROW THE GODDAMNED BALL TO FIRST BASE?

(fun fact, I felt my entire body tense up as I typed that.)

I mean come on Mets.  I've accepted you aren't going to make the playoffs (almost).  I can deal with the games that you lose when you give me your best (kinda).  But Jesus Christ you're representing the most abused fan base on the planet.  When we aren't dealing with jerkoff Yankee fans it's the dipshit Philly fans who have an unjustified sense of entitlement worse than the Kardashians and Hiltons combined (I say this since baseball has been around since the 19th century and Phillies fans didn't exist until 2007.)

So listen to me very carefully Mets.  You got a night off to clear your collective head, so it's time that you watch this video and then follow my advice.

Sweep the Braves like you'd Sweep the Leg.  Then do the crane into Jason Heyward's face.  They're slumping and it's time to take advantage.  Give us Mets fans something to enjoy this weekend and get us within contention of the wildcard.

Make me proud this weekend boys.  LET'S GO METS!

Breaking up is hard to do - Part 2

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Let's recap, shall we?

1) I state (and still believe) that Pelfrey doesn't have a place on the starting rotation next year.

• Result - He throws a complete game and the Mets win

2) I state (and still strongly believe) that Bay doesn't have a place on this team anymore

• Result - Today Bay goes 3-4, 2 doubles, 3 RBIs

This makes me very nervous.  I'm afraid if I talk about the Mets that I want to keep on this team that they're going to start to slump.  Of course it's ridiculously arrogant to think that my tiny little blog affects the performance of the New York Mets, but then again, I'm ridiculously arrogant.

Not like Clemens arrogant, but arrogant enough.

Anyway, here are three people that I strongly believe need to be on this team next year.

1) Daniel Murphy

As a player, I LOVE Daniel Murphy.  How can you not?  He is absurdly focused on baseball.  In 2009 he was dressed in a suit getting off of the team bus and someone asked him why he was dressed up.  His response was something along the lines of "you need to dress right when you're in a pennant race." (Mets finished 70-92 in 2009).  He's so serious about baseball that if and when he gets married his wife will be the mistress in his relationship with major league baseball.

Everyone knows that his defense is exceptionally suspect, but it has gotten dramatically better this year.  Now, did I say that watching Murphy play defense is like watching a porn where all they do is have sex fully clothed with the hole cut out of the sheet?  Yes, that sounds like something I would say.  But the reality is that he works too hard to not become a decent second baseman.

Yes, second base.  Not right field.  Everyone thinks I'm crazy when I say that, but his offense is perfect for a second baseman.  Doesn't have a ton of power, but he carries a little pop (he did lead the Mets in home runs with a whopping 12 in 2009), and clearly will hit for average (currently 3rd in the NL with a .319 average).  This is a line drive hitting team starved for power, and the likelihood is that they'll find that power from an outfielder, not a 2nd baseman.  I don't know if the future of the outfield is with Duda, F-Mart, Kirk Nieuwenhuis, some kid I've never heard of, or someone they'll acquire, but whoever he is will probably play because of an ability to drive the long ball.

You know what's ironic though?  I think I would loathe a conversation with Daniel Murphy.  Every interview I hear with him sounds like he's fighting through his Aspergers to recall the Robert's Rules of Order regarding how to interact in a conversation.  He's a good looking kid who could probably pick up any female he wants in the greater New York Metropolitan Area, but I just can't see him having a natural, normal conversation with a female.  Watch an interview with him and tell me you can't imagine him having sex screaming things like "Give me that 0-2 slider in the dirt!"  I don't even know what that means, but it doesn't sound very nice.

2) Angel Pagan

I LOVE Angel Pagan.  Say what you want to say, but Pagan's fine.  His year got off to a very rough start, he played hurt, finally went on the DL, and just now is starting to look like the player from last year.  He's got an excellent bat, great speed, a wonderful glove, and no longer is doing the stupid base running blunders that had skeptics questioning his ability to play baseball at the major league level.

Imagine him 1-2 with Reyes next year (Yes, I also think that Reyes will get resigned.  I know, I know.)

1) Reyes

2) Pagan

3) Wright

4) Davis

5) Murphy

6) Duda?

7) *sigh*, Bay

8) Thole/Paulino

That, my friends, is not a bad line up, not even a little bit (well, Bay sucks.)  You can move Pagan down in that line up to give a little more depth at the bottom, but Jesus look at the speed 1-3.  Talk about wreaking havoc on the bases.

And as I'm writing this I'm realizing what a huge part of Carlos Beltran's Mets legacy will be.  Angel Pagan.  He mentored him over the years and I believe is a huge part of Pagan's success: past, present, & future.  Pagan will be fine and he will contribute greatly to this club.

3) David Wright

Some people love him, some people hate him. I think that he can finally start to be himself again for the first time in years.

The biggest knock against him is that he hasn't been clutch, and there's plenty of evidence to support it.  He batted .160 in the NLCS of 2006.  He was a major role player for both collapses of 2007 and 2008.  But how many of you can imagine going through all of that by your 25th birthday?

Then Citi Field got built, Delgado went down, Beltran went down, Reyes went down.  Willie was in and out, Jerry was in and out, Omar was in and out.  He was the only consistently healthy player on the team, billed as the future of the franchise, and played like all of that pressure would fracture his back (irony completely intended.)  His swing got long, his average went down, even his disposition on the field was negative.  

If this picture isn't a metaphor for someone trying to do something that doesn't fit I don't know what is:

Seriously, what superstar do you know looks like this?

Listen, Wright will never be a player that can carry an entire team on his back.  But this is a star that, if given the right circumstances, will be a very dangerous threat, and with this current team dynamic I think it's his time to dominate again.  Currently he's batting .455 since he's come back, obviously that will cool off.  But this team is built in a way that Wright doesn't have to do too much, he just needs to stay in his wheelhouse.

Well, one thing.  He needs to learn how to do the claw.

Seriously David, it's not that hard.

All this being said, I am still loving watching the 2011 Mets.  I hope they keep fighting every night, clawing their way to catch up to a Chipper-less and McCann-less Atlanta Braves.

Lets Go Mets!!

Breaking up is hard to do - Part 1

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The realist in me tells me that the season is over (although I'd be lying if I said I don't check the Braves score every night to see if the Mets gained or lost any ground in the wildcard.)  While I enjoy watching this Mets team battle every night despite the fact that they probably aren't going to make the playoffs, I still like to think about the next year or two and what the team will look like then.  After all, phase one of this new regime is undoing the Omar mess.  Once Castillo, Perez, and K-Rod officially come off the books (and assuming Beltran doesn't get resigned), then Sandy and the rest need to shape this team into a contender.  So that leaves us to wonder:

Who exactly is going to be on this Mets team?


Well, there are definitely two that I can think of that shouldn't be on this team next year.

1) Mike Pelfrey 

Listen, I like Pelfrey, I really do.  For years it was that he was young and had to mature.  Then last year he started the year off to a ridiculous 10-1 start, and everyone was hopeful that he had arrived.  But since then it's been the same old Pelfrey.  He's not built to pitch for the Mets, and I can break it down into 2 major points:

1) John Maine Syndrome
Remember when John Maine was going to be a 20 game winner?  He had a rising fastball that topped off at 95 MPH and the future looked bright?

And then all he did was look like a deer caught in the headlights?

I know Maine got hurt and Pelfrey hasn't yet, but towards the tail end of Maine's career it would take 30 pitches just to get out of an inning.  He lost that velocity and power to put hitters away.  But Pelfrey didn't get hurt, at least not physically, and it still takes him 30 pitches to get through an inning.  This brings me to point #2.

2) Pelfrey is pitching like a little bitch.  Still.
I write this understanding that he's 6'7" and enormous, but that's the point.  He should be nasty, but he pitches like he's suffering with some kind of anemia (which let's face it, on the Mets it's a significant possibility.)

But everything he does just says pansy.  It's in his disposition on the mound, in his early days with the fumbling of the mouthguard, and I swear to God this should be the music that plays when he hits the mound:

It's not quite Enter Sandman or Hells Bells, but I think it's equally as appropriate given how Pelf pitches these days.

But let's be real.  Santana is coming back, and even with his fastball topping off at 90mph, he's clearly getting a spot in the rotation.  And next year?  Matt Harvey and Jenrry Mejia are going to be fighting for a spot.  Capuano, Dickey, and Niese have been basically consistent all year and clearly pitched with more dominance than Pelfrey.  I just don't see a future for him with this club.  I was kind of hoping that when Wright came back things would get better for him.  Here, put this on and then read the dialogue I saw happening in my head:

David: I've missed you, Pelfy-Bear
Pelf: I've missed you more, David
David: We need you to man up and pitch like we know you can Pelfy
Pelf: (tears come gushing down) I know!  Just with you gone and not traveling with me day to day I felt like a piece of me was just dead on the inside.  But now that you're back I know that I can get my velocity back!
Cue 5 minutes of hugging, cuddling, and intermittent slaps on the rear.


***Fin***


I think Pelf can be successful in the Major Leagues, just not in New York.  Trade him to Kansas City, Milwaukee, or a smaller market team and I think he'll thrive.  The pressure of this city just isn't for everyone.

2) Jason Bay

Dude, it's over.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, but let's be real.  It's over.

What always amazes me is when people refer to Bay's tenure with the Mets as a "slump."  It's not a slump when it's ALL he does.  If you meet someone who is 450lbs and they tell you that he or she is cheating on their diet today, would you call them a dieter?

Not likely.

If Jason Bay has a week where he hits over .300, but the rest of the time bats .230, which one doesn't seem normal?

And I know that it sucks that this is costing 66 million dollars.  It could have cost 200 million dollars and my left testicle but it wouldn't change the fact that it's over!

It's called "sunk cost" my friends:
In economics and business decision-making, sunk costs are retrospective (past) costs that have already been incurred and cannot be recovered. Sunk costs are sometimes contrasted with prospective costs, which are future costs that may be incurred or changed if an action is taken. Both retrospective and prospective costs may be either fixed (that is, they are not dependent on the volume of economic activity, however measured) or variable (dependent on volume).


That's wiki-speak for IT'S FUCKING OVER SO LET HIM GO.  If after two years it's not getting any better, than you need to put a young kid in there whether it's Duda, or Pridie, or F-Mart and let them grow.  Or you need to use the $$ you're getting at the end of the year to pick up an outfielder.  It's just that simple.  He is a black hole in this line up, and while it sucks, that's why breaking up is hard to do.

Stay tuned for part 2, my predictions on the Mets players that people think should go, but I think should stay.

In the meantime, Let's Go Mets!!!

Commercials During Mets Games

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It's a long, 162 game season.  When you're a Mets fan, the season can seem longer than it should.  Is it so much to ask that the commericals we listen to not be so unbelievably ridiculous?  Let me rant about some of the highlights here.

#5) 1-877 Kars 4 Kids

 How is it they found a pedophile to sing a song about donating towards a children's charity?  It's not a clever song, it's just creepy.  Is it catchy?  Yes, it's catchy.  The banjos in Deliverance  were also very catchy.  It was memorable when Kathy Bates broke James Caan's foot in Misery.  Memorable does not equal good, it just means that you remember it.

#4) Creepy Kid In The New York Smokers Quitline Commerical:




Yeah it makes me scared, scared that you're going to murder my entire fucking family!  Jesus Christ I thought at the end of The Ring  your reign of terror was over!  Honestly, you make Chucky look like a cabbage patch doll.  I feel like I need to go smoke a pack just to work off the stress of wondering if you're going to burn down my house while singing "London Bridge is Falling Down", but I'm afraid if I go smoke you're going to turn into a Wyvern and engulf everyone I've ever loved into flames.

Conclusion:  So.  Fucking.  Creepy.

#3) The Second Worst Jingle Ever Written:

I HATE this fucking jingle.  It sounds like some reject 80s rocker who was kicked out of Winger in 1981 is looking for a comeback. You're singing about a car dealership, not about love loss, recovery from addiction, or someone that has passed away.  There's no reason that follows any form of logic that legitimizes the singing style of this jingle.  Close your eyes and tell me you don't think he's spluging into the gas tank of a Ford Focus while he's singing this.  And yes, I just had to spell check the gerund of "spluge."

#2) The Worst Jingle Ever Written:

Predictably, I HATE this fucking jingle.  It's not even effective.  It took me several listenings just to realize that it was for the lottery.  It's just ridiculously irritating to listen to.  I'd rather listen to Helen Keller try to pass a sobriety test as she says the alphabet backwards while trying to walk in a straight line.

It's the lottery for fucks sake!  Just put on a shitty keyboard track a la Wesley Willis and say something like "You'll be rich if you win."  Don't put some dipshit in flippers on the subway.

Don't know who Wesley Willis is?  Observe:

May he rest in peace.

 #1) "Hey, I'm Giuseppe Franco!"

Honestly, was there any suspense as to what would be #1 here?

Hey, I don't own the product.  I don't know anything about it.  All I know is that I've been paid to say this is the greatest product ever!

And honestly, which is worse?

• The fact that he says "I'm Giuseppe Franco.  I'm not going to loan my name out there for just any product."  Are you kidding?  No one knows who the hell you are!  It's like me going "Hey, I run Mets Rant.  I have a whopping 45 followers on twitter right now (and thank you for those of you that did!).  I'm not going to loan my reputation out there for just any product.

or...

• The fact that they use Gary Busey as proof that he has celebrity clients.  GARY BUSEY!  Forget that he's crazy.  Okay I know that's next to impossible, but try.  Just look at his hair!  Who gives a shit who does Gary Busey's hair?  It looks like he went to supercuts like the rest of us.

*sigh*.  Well folks, as we suffer through these commercials let's just quietly enjoy the days of having Beltran in the line-up and enjoy the fact that Wright is coming back on Friday.

Let's Go Mets!