At Least We're Not Philly

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Sunday was referred to as "Bloody Sunday," and I think that's perfectly appropriate.

Look at that expression on Murph's face.  I've walked into and out of funerals looking like this.

So it occurs to me that Mets fans need a pick-me-up.  I know that we probably weren't going to make the playoffs anyway, but losing that game and those players basically sealed the deal.  So I'd like to make this post an enjoyable read, a metaphorical baby blanket that Mets fans can cling to as a source of comfort.  And I can sum this post up in one phrase:

At least we aren't Philadelphia.

I know the Phillies have a great team this year.  I know that the Eagles are poised to make a Super Bowl run.  Even the Flyers are competitive.  I don't give a shit.  It's one of the worst places on Earth.  Let me pick this shit hole of a city apart brick by "asbestos/SARS/TomHanksAIDS" filled brick.

1) Philly is AWFUL AT SPORTS.

It's true!  This recent Philly success is like Halley's fucking Comet swinging by every 75 years.  

Facts:

• The Eagles have never won a super bowl
• The Phillies are the only sports franchise in history to lose over 10,000 games
• The Phillies have had SEVENTY-TWO losing seasons, including 16 in a row from 1933-1948
• The Phillies hold the national league record with the most 100 loss seasons.  They have 13.
• The Phillies hold the record for longest losing streak at 23 games in a row.
• The Phillies have been around since 1883 and only won the world series twice.

Philadelphia did have a good baseball team.  It was the A's.  And then they left, because if you're a winner, you're going to get the fuck out as quickly as possible.  Why?

2) Philly is awful at rooting for sports teams.

There is just too much material on this point.  Let's choose some of the brilliant moments.  

Exhibit A: See this guy?

His name is Matthew Clemmens.  He was drunk and obnoxious at a Phillies game, and when an off duty police officer's two daughters (ages 11 and 16) asked him to stop, he intentionally vomited on them.  Here's my biggest of many questions:

How the fuck does that thought even enter into your mind?

Listen, I can come up with some ridiculous shit.  I can imagine things like:

• Taking a group of orphans, dressing them like seals, and then dropping them in the ocean during Shark Week.  
• Bringing a group of kindergarteners to a viewing of "Bambi" at a taxidermists office.
• Breaking into an old-folks home, kidnapping a shit ton of Alzheimers patients, and then just dropping them off all over some random ass ghetto.

I've got a messed up head.  And there is no way in holy hell that I would ever even conceive the thought of puking on a some 11 year old kid.

Exhibit B: Philly fans boo Santa.

Now this actually happened in 1968, and obviously this picture is more recent than that, but I'd like to think that when it happened it looked something like this.  For the love of God it's SANTA.  Unless the entire stadium was filled with Jews and they were legitimately upset at Santa's lack of Mitzvahs for his Jewish brethren, then there's no excuse for this.  What assholes.

Exhibit C: The Phillies fans habitually throw batteries at Dick Allen.

Upset with Dick Allen's comments about racial equality in the 1960s, they decided to throw D batteries at him during games.  See that helmet he's wearing?  He had to wear it in the field at HOME GAMES.  I guess Phillies fans wanted to treat him separately, but equally.

Exhibit D: The Michael Irvin Injury.

See this picture?  Michael Irvin got tackled and literally couldn't move.  You know what you can't see from this picture?  Every fucking Philly fan CHEERING.  Tell me any other city where this would happen.

The sad part?  I could go on!  There is:

• "Don't Tase Me Bro!"
• Flyers fans beat up St. Louis Blues fans and coach Al Arbour in 1972.
• Boo-ing McNabb at the draft, and basically every game afterwards.  You've only been to two super bowls and he took you to one of them you fucking idiots
• And what other city would sign Vick after doing this to pit bulls? (click at your own risk, I'm not posting this picture on the blog.)

All of this and more is why they needed a fully functional jail at the bottom of Veterans Stadium.

3) The "Rocky" Problem.

They idolize a FICTIONAL character.  Never mind the fact that Joe Frazier, one of the greatest boxers of all time, actually grew up in Philly.  Let's worship the fictional fucking boxer who LOST IN THE FIRST MOVIE.

In movies we have seen:

• Dinosaurs come back to life in Jurassic Park
• Aliens attack the world in Independence Day
• Cowboys vs. Aliens (need I say more)
• Lindsay Lohan doing well in school in Mean Girls
• Lindsay Lohan sober enough to drive a car in Herbie
• Lindsay Lohan sober enough to drive a car in Herbie: Fully Loaded

Yet Rocky can't win the fight the first time through?  Really?

Let me put it this way.  I'm a Jersey guy through and through (not Jersey Shore Jersey, I'm actually from Jersey.)  We've had great musicians.  Guys like Sinatra, Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi, etc.  If I were from Philly, I would ignore all of these legendary musicians and instead idolize Piper Perabo from Coyote Ugly:

Why would I idolize her?  Because she sang in a movie, and because you can't stop the moonlight bitches.

4) Get over the fucking cheesesteak.

Ever watch "Top Chef"?  They recently had an "all star" season.  The winner was a guy named Richard Blais.  Here is what he cooked in the last challenge to win:

I don't even know half of these words!  But legit chefs who cook delicious food know all of this stuff. My point is that IT'S CHEESE ON A FUCKING STEAK, NOT THE POLIO VACCINE.  Some fat ass put two things together and now it's popular.  Does it taste good?  Yes.  Should you really be that proud?  No.  Get over yourself.

Conclusion:

Philly is an awful city.  Calling Philadelphia the city of brotherly love is like calling Birmingham the city of racial equality.  The fans are rude and obnoxious.  Having the Phillies represent America's past time literally makes me nauseous.  The reality is that the Phillies games should be broadcast on Al Jazeera TV.

And I'm not the only one who thinks this.

• Philly voted to have ugliest citizens in America
• Philly fans voted worst in America
• Philly 2nd dirtiest city in America, beating out Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans

So Mets fans, we have a gritty team that is decimated by injuries.  Regardless, they continue to fight so we can have moments like this:

And since Phillies fans didn't exist prior to 2007, we all know that they will disappear eventually too.  Stay strong Mets fans!

Reasons to be pissed

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I don't know about you, but I feel that I've been failed.  Not just by the Mets, but it seems like by everyone around me.

• Failed by an American Government who has a worse gambling problem than A-Rod.
• Failed by the PA drivers who don't understand basic concepts of driving, including but sure as shit not limited to:
• Turn signal use
• Left lane avoidance
• Inability to navigate a traffic circle
• Inability to drive a different speed than the car next to them
• Inability to not attempt to change lanes while parallel to said cars
• Failed by the generic idiotic bullshit that we all have to go through on a daily basis.

And it's really uncalled for.  If you look hard enough you can find stories of perseverance, tenacity, and hope.

See this chick?

Her name is Pamela Salant.  She fell 50 feet and survived for three days eating bugs, caterpillars, and drinking creek water.  If I'm late for work without eating breakfast and I drive past a sonic, I want to pull over and risk getting fired to quench my need for greasy goodness.

Or how about this?

Endured a tragic situation that anyone would have accepted him eroding away in a down pour of endless self-pity.  Instead, he turned the word "Believe" into a mantra for all who will listen.  And I, for one, believe that he will walk again.

Or how about this kid working hard and getting to call that Reyes home run the other night?

This little kid accomplished at age 11 what I have often dreamed of doing.

My point is that life is hard enough.  More often than not we're surrounded by the negative, and the positive moments just seem too few and far between.  

Sports provides us an outlet of escape, an opportunity to get passionate through a platform with a clear winner and loser.  It's something we can vest a legitimate interest in, but at the end of the day doesn't really matter (i.e. think about how you felt the moment you heard Bin Laden was killed in the middle of the Mets/Phils game.)  

It's what makes me come to games early in hopes of getting a ball from batting practice.  It's why I keep a glove and baseball in my car at all times.  It's why my friends and I will play catch around the old Shea Stadium bases, pretending to turn two, throw runners out at second, or work on our "change-ups" and "curve balls".

So as a Mets fan, when I'm looking for something positive to take from my sports escape, the past couple of nights it's left me with one glaring question:

HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT TO THROW THE GODDAMNED BALL TO FIRST BASE?

(fun fact, I felt my entire body tense up as I typed that.)

I mean come on Mets.  I've accepted you aren't going to make the playoffs (almost).  I can deal with the games that you lose when you give me your best (kinda).  But Jesus Christ you're representing the most abused fan base on the planet.  When we aren't dealing with jerkoff Yankee fans it's the dipshit Philly fans who have an unjustified sense of entitlement worse than the Kardashians and Hiltons combined (I say this since baseball has been around since the 19th century and Phillies fans didn't exist until 2007.)

So listen to me very carefully Mets.  You got a night off to clear your collective head, so it's time that you watch this video and then follow my advice.

Sweep the Braves like you'd Sweep the Leg.  Then do the crane into Jason Heyward's face.  They're slumping and it's time to take advantage.  Give us Mets fans something to enjoy this weekend and get us within contention of the wildcard.

Make me proud this weekend boys.  LET'S GO METS!